Those Tokyo Olympics Cardboard Beds Are (Probably) Strong Enough to F*ck In

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Photo credit: AKIO KON
Photo credit: AKIO KON


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In ancient times, somewhere in the 700s BCE, the ancient Olympic Games were created, and y'all... they were sick. A whole badass tournament of athletic prowess and flamboyance. Poets and writers were hired to create songs about the victors. Chariots were raced, baby. At one point, to honor the Greek god Zeus, officiants would sacrifice 100 oxen in the middle of the games. That's the kind of drama we're talking about. So imagine Zeus's disappointment some 2,700 odd years later, when the Olympic planning committee rolled out these—beds made of cardboard. Let's just deem it what it is: the unfuckable bed.

The Unfuckable Bed is made of renewable materials—a first for the Olympic games. And that's great! We love the environment. Greta Thunberg is jazzed. But the bed is also big-time lame, incredibly underwhelming, and I'm sorry, but you cannot convince me that after one round of thrusting or a poorly timed water spill, it isn't going to collapse out from underneath these poor athletes.

Photo credit: AKIO KON - Getty Images
Photo credit: AKIO KON - Getty Images

Following the unveiling of the bed, there was speculation on social media that the design was introduced to dissuade athletes from hooking up during the Olympics, though that theory has been debunked in more ways than one. (Note: The Olympic committee is asking athletes to find ways to touch less for safety's sake.) Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan reported from the games that allegations of an "anti-sex bed" were "fake news." Then he got on his bed to jump up and down, demonstrating how durable the frames are.

In a statement, AirWeave (the Japanese company behind the frames) said, "Cardboard beds are actually stronger than the one made of wood or steel," and are able to support up to 440 pounds, or from the looks of it, about four Rhys McClenaghans. I'm not a scientist, nor am I here to wag a finger at cardboard engineers, but as someone who has broken no fewer than three Walmart deck chairs and a lounge chair at a friend's apartment pool, I am not convinced.

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Even if those figures hold true for sleeping, that still doesn't take away from the fact that the Olympics—the pinnacle of athleticism and the unofficial sponsor of going to pound town—supplied Olympians with a fleet of lightweight cardboard beds, as if we don't know that cardboard wears over time. Ask my cats. After four or five sits on an Amazon box, that cardboard starts to weaken, and then all of a sudden, the cat is in a heap of folded cardboard. If the tried and true tradition of the Olympics being an athlete sex-festival for the ages remains in tact, it's hard to imagine someone not ending up all twisted in a cardboard mess. I suppose the real test will come when the games start this weekend.

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The Olympics generally has a history of pretending like all that athlete-on-athlete sex doesn't happen. Hell, look at the statement that the Olympic organizers made to Japan Today: “Our intent and goal is not for athletes to use the condoms at the Olympic Village, but to help with awareness by taking them back to their own countries.” So thousands of athletes at the height of their skill and physique are headed to Tokyo to compete in the Olympic games... and receive condoms en masse, so as to promote safe sex in their home countries. Sure thing. Got it.

Truly, everyone in the Olympic Village should keep their eyes to the ground, because with all these condoms being distributed and the integrity of these cardboard beds in question, the sexcapades of Tokyo may just make that oxen sacrifice look like amateur hour.

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