Thinking about getting back together with an ex? How to know if they deserve a second chance

Breakups are hard. Even if the choice was ours, it’s fairly common to second guess our decision or want to get back together once we feel the familiar tinge of sadness or a pang of nostalgia. But how can we know if someone deserves a second chance or if we are just struggling with closure?

If you decide to give someone a second chance – think Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, for example – it is always a risk (just like being in a relationship is always a risk). Still, there are ways to ensure it is a well thought-out, calculated risk. Yes, sometimes second chances are our way of avoiding the grief that comes with a relationship ending or dealing with the new reality of being single. But, other times, the jolt of a break-up and the time spent apart allows both individuals to reflect and make the necessary changes. Second chances are not always wasted.

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Before you get back together with your ex, ask yourself...

Why did you break up? Before jumping into fantasies of what the relationship could be or getting stuck in a romanticized version of what it once was, it’s important to be grounded in the hard truth. We need to start our evaluation by facing the issues and incompatibilities that have led to the breakup in the first place. We need to understand what the relationship was before we begin to focus on what it could be. During this process, it’s important not to idealize our partner or allow the pain of our heartbreak to belittle the realities that lead to the breakup.

Why do you want to get back together? For a lot of people, seeking the same relationship over and over again is done out of habit or comfort. The world can feel like a lonely and intimidating place, and people can become our metaphorical security blankets. Our motivation for getting back together with an ex should not be rooted in our fear of being alone, our jealousy of them being with someone else or our hope that we can change them. Our second chances also have to be rooted in more than love. They have to be founded in a belief (and proof) that both individuals can work together to create a relationship that they both want.

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What has changed since the breakup? Someone saying “I have changed” is not reason enough to offer them a second chance. It’s good to pause and reflect on what shifts we are seeing in ourselves and the other person. What work have they done on themselves (e.g. therapy, journaling, taking care of their health)? How are they showing up differently now? We need to see the change before we can conclude that they are now a more capable or compatible partner.

How will things be different? Everyone going into the same relationship twice assumes things will be different this time around, but it’s important to identify the specifics. How will it be different? How will each individual work toward making the relationship different? Maybe you will be sure to communicate more readily when upset, and your partner will set boundaries so they do not stew in resentment when you unknowingly cross them. It's important to discuss tangible things both people can do to make the dynamic work.

Are you both willing to do the work? Actions speak louder than words. If during the getting-back-together-process we notice the intention and follow-through of the other person is not there, it’s OK to change our mind – again. It’s not helpful to have a partner who speaks about a relationship they want but puts no effort into actually creating it. Of course, everyone will make mistakes and go through an adjustment period, but there is a difference between stumbling and not trying.

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Breakups are hard. Should you give your ex a second chance?