Warning: This post includes mentions of violence, suicide, and rape.
Raise your hand if you've ever gotten a little loose-lipped in a taxicab or Uber, especially after a night out.
Well, Reddit user u/spaghetti1498 recently asked taxi drivers to share the deepest secrets they've ever heard on the job, and these were juicy, heartbreaking, and really deep:
1."I've worked for Uber, and once a clearly intoxicated passenger told me she should have married her brother-in-law because her husband had a tiny dick and was much less handsome. She had married her husband because he was richer."
"I hope she doesn't remember she told me that! She's probably mortified to this day if she does."
2."I worked for Uber Black in Los Angeles, and once I picked up a customer around midnight from a flight from Mexico. He had two stops, and at the first, he waited for some 'compadres' who loaded five duffle bags in my SUV. Well, come to find out the second stop was in San Jose, a six-hour drive! After a $2,500 fare and a $400 tip, I never dared asked what was in the those bags!"
3."I once picked up a well-known celebrity from a strip club. His drop-off location was in an affluent neighborhood in the foothills, and as I pulled into the driveway, a half-naked, middle-aged woman wearing lingerie was standing by the garage. He said, 'This is close enough,' so I stopped about 20 yards from the woman. Then she cracked a whip and pointed to the ground at her feet, and this dude got out on his hands and knees — in his Armani suit! — and started crawling toward her. Then she cracked the whip again, pointed at me, and said, 'You're next.' I was not next. I am married."
4."I drove a guy who told me he was cheating on his wife with his cocaine dealer, and that it had been going on for 25 years. I don't know what impresses me more: a 25-year affair or a 25-year cocaine habit!"
"He also gave me a detailed description of how good his dealer, who was a woman, was in bed!"
5."I once had a passenger who was really upset that he was only a convenient 'side-piece' instead of the secret 'boyfriend' of an NFL player."
6."I worked in incident support for a popular ride company service, and the incidents were usually either a rider complaining about a driver or a driver complaining that a rider threw up in their car. Well, this one dude called to tell us that after picking up a fare from a dude with two huge duffle bags in the trunk, his car was written off, and he couldn't work with it anymore. Turned out, the guy had gotten a ride at 2 a.m., put the duffle bags in the trunk, and told the driver he'd done something he really regretted but couldn't go back on. Then he took the ride to an underpass and threw the bags into the river."
"The driver had called the police first to tell them a dude was being weird as hell. And after a brief search of the river for the bags, they found the guy's murdered, cut-up girlfriend in the bags. The smell was so bad in the car that the cleaning crew couldn't remove it or the stains. So the insurance company wrote off the car."
7."I once drove a guy who said he'd gambled away his house payment for the month and he didn't know how to tell his wife."
"I also drove a pregnant girl going to a side-piece's house for the night, saying it might be the last time for a while."
8."I once drove two medical professionals, and one of them was talking to his colleague about the time he was 'kindly kidnapped' out of the hospital by two guys who took him to a mansion outside of the city. There, they asked him to examine the heart condition of a man who seemed to be a local mafia boss who was wanted by the law. They somehow provided him with all the tools and help, and made him operate on the boss. Then they finally let him go, paid him with a big sum of cash, and said they would contact him again for anything else. He said it was one of the scariest, yet most interesting experiences in his life."
9."I once drove some people planning a murder at the location where I was going to drop them off. I told them to get out and left them."
10."I had a regular customer who was about 18, and who was stressing over his exam results one day, and he told me that if he had failed his life was over and he would commit suicide. He was completely serious, and his parents had been putting strong pressure on him. So I brought him home and called his father out of the house, and by this time my customer was in tears. I told him to tell his father what he had told me, and I let them both talk for a while right there. Then the father, distraught, got his son out of the car and took him inside. He told his parents the whole story, and they got him into therapy. I don't know if he passed his exams or not, but I do know he was alright afterward."
11."There was once a lady I picked up at like 4 a.m. who was obviously desperately seeking something. The trip was over an hour and a half away, I could tell she was hurting physically, and she had sniffles and cringing that were synonymous with opioid withdrawals. She was quiet the first 45 minutes but was texting often, and then she took a phone call where she was arguing with someone who didn't want her to go to this destination. She kept telling them she would be fine, but I asked out of concern, and she spilled the beans. The call was from her girlfriend, who didn't want her going to this house to meet up with some dudes who wanted her to come over and hang out in exchange for pills. Her girlfriend was convinced she was going to be raped..."
"I told her I’d been in a similar situation with pills when I was younger, that cannabis helped, and that in a few more days she would be free of the whole thing. She cried and cried. I had an old cannabis vape deep in my car that I donated to the cause, and it worked. She then chilled out, and I told her that if she cancelled, I would take her back to her pickup location since I had to go back that way anyway. She cancelled the trip and slept the whole way back."
12."I once drove three teenage girls, and at the end of the trip, I knew everything about their friends' sexual life — who had slept with whom, with or without a condom, who had infected whom with chlamydia, and so on, ad nauseam."
13."When my dad was driving a taxi in the '80s, he said he once picked up Meatloaf from a bar with a giant stuffed alligator. While they were stopped at a red light, Meatloaf offered him cocaine from a hidden pouch in the alligator that was stuffed with cocaine and cash."
14."I once gave a ride to two women who spent the whole ride debating whether or not the man whose house I'd just picked them up from had killed their friend, who died in his kitchen earlier that day. The woman — who lived with him — was in her early 40s, and according to his report, she dropped dead unexpectedly after an afternoon of yard work and bike-riding. Her best friends weren't having it."
15."I heard two guys talking freely about their scam operation and going into the specifics of how to get the most out of it. I can’t remember what the scam was, just that it had to do with cards and that it had gotten them around $20 million!"
16."On the flip side of the coin, an Uber drive once told me and my significant other that she had been the victim of satanic ritual abuse as a child. She was nice enough, but clearly a little unbalanced, and either looking for attention or a legitimate product of all that Satanic Panic nonsense back in the day."
17."A 50-year-old man I was driving once admitted to me that he doesn't know how to cook and doesn't have the time to do it, so he sneaks out late at night to get leftovers from his mother's house."
18."My uncle was a cab driver in LAt, and one day, he picked up two guys who were discussing a murder they were going to commit. After a while, they began discussing whether they should also kill the driver because he heard them talking about the plan and could identify them. They eventually decided not to, but that was the day my uncle stopped being a cab driver."
19."My best ride was when I took Michael Fassbender from Los Angeles Airport to Beverly Hills, he treated me to In-N-Out Burger, and we sang karaoke all the way to his hotel because he confessed that his dream as a teen was to be a rock star. Coolest guy ever!"