How to Talk About Big Life Decisions as a Couple (Because the Pandemic Means We’re All Thinking About Making Them)

Coronavirus has made even seemingly small decisions feel agonizing. How many bags of arugula should I buy so that I can eat some vegetables, but so that they don’t all go bad? Are my best friend and I really going to be able to stay six feet apart if we start drinking White Claws?  But on top of the day-in, day-out paralysis of choice, where even doing your best can have dire consequences, we’re also having to still make big life decisions as well.

Couples right now are facing decisions about child care, career changes, job loss, financial hardships, relocation, parental care, having children, moving in together on a wonky timeline, and forcing all kinds of other big conversations. These decisions are already difficult in the best of circumstances, without having to deal with the uncertainty and stress of the pandemic.

I talked to couples who had to make hard decisions about what it's like right now to try to plan for such an uncertain future. Of the couples I spoke with, almost all said that the decision-making process ultimately brought them closer together; many felt like they had to make a choice under pressure and that they were therefore basically forced to act as a team. It’s certainly possible to come out of a major life decision talk feeling more connected and in sync, but it requires empathetic and careful communication.

I spoke with couples therapist Irina Firstein and professor of psychology Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., about how people can face these decisions together and come out unscathed, if not stronger.

Listen. 

As Firstein put it, “What happens normally is that people are listening, but really they can't wait for the other person to stop moving their lips so they can start talking.” That habit doesn’t just hurt your partner, it’s going to increase conflict if you aren’t actually taking in what your partner is saying. You should not be waiting for small breaks in your partner’s words to try to get your point in; that’s likely an unproductive dialogue on both sides. Wait an extra second or two longer than you normally would after your partner stops talking and see if they’re actually done. It will force you to listen better and it will make them feel heard, which is often one of the most important parts of conflict resolution—the fact that your partner cares to hear what your concerns are.

Consider the power dynamic.

Dr. Campbell noted that it’s important to be cognizant of macro power dynamics within a relationship when you’re dealing with conflict. If, for example, you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship, you might have more power on a macro level because of finances and socialization. You might be more likely to keep your job in the pandemic as your partner is asked to do more child-care work. It’s particularly important for people with more socialized power on a macro level—whether that be from gender, sexuality, race, ability, citizenship, or otherwise—keep that in mind when making joint decisions. Make sure that you’re hearing what your partner’s fears and concerns are and that you’re not assuming that things will go the same way for them that they might for you. As Dr. Campbell explained, “Whoever has greater power overall within the relationship, they can more easily and even accidentally do things like disregard the other person's opinion.”

Watch for warning signs.

Much of the leading research on marriage and relationships comes from The Gottman Institute, which has identified what they call The Four Horsemen—signs that your relationship is in deep trouble. The four horsemen are, in order, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you start to identify any of these behaviors as patterns you or your partner has in response to conflict, you must address them. You can do so with the help of a therapist, or on your own, but avoiding the issue will not make the pattern go away. You must consciously work to replace these with positive, healthy conflict resolution that involves listening and empathy. Another pattern that portends trouble, according to Dr. Campbell is the demand/withdraw dynamic. Often, in heterosexual relationships, the woman is demanding a need be met and the man withdraws either emotionally or physically in response, similar to stonewalling. As soon as any of this crops up, it must be addressed before the conflict itself can be.

Fight individualism.

As you can tell from the current state of affairs in this country, we have a hearty focus on individualism. This can work against couples for fairly obvious reasons. If you enter the conflict at hand looking at opposing interests and goals rather than approaching as a team, the outcome is more likely to cause breakdown in the future. Dr. Campbell encourages people to ask “What’s best for the relationship?” rather than “What’s best for me?” She says the mindset should be to stay on each other's team—frame sacrifices as doing what’s best for the long-term orientation of the relationship.

Change your perspective to avoid resentment.

Both Firstein and Dr. Campbell mentioned trying to reframe some of the difficult albeit necessary sacrifices that partners are going to have to make. Perhaps it’s one person moving to a city they don’t love as much, or another deferring grad school, or a parent who needs health care moving in. The person who feels like they’re giving something up or who might feel that they “lost” something can easily become resentful. To avoid this, Firstein tells her clients, “Feel good that you actually are the strong one, you actually are the strong one in the relationship because you can tolerate better than the other person not having your way.” Not every life decision is going to be permanent, either. And again, looking at it as a choice that benefits the team can help. You do not have to view not getting your way as only a loss.

Don’t forget that this isn’t normal.

Dr. Campbell reiterated that it’s important to remember that what is happening now is not your relationship at its most healthy and stable. People are dealing with heavy and prolonged stress. But also reminds couples that the pandemic isn’t going to last forever. She cautions people against doing things like splitting up right now if things were good before the pandemic. She says she’s seen couples say, “‘Oh, now that I have so much access to my partner I see we're not meant to be together. Thank goodness this has shown me that we're not meant to be together.’ Well, that's not necessarily true, because in normal life couples work functionally in different ways.” You two weren’t always coworking in the dining room together for 40 hours a week, remember?

At the same time, decisions made in the current situation can lead to problems down the road. A rush to cohabitate might be wise for financial reasons, but, she says, “The risk there is what we call ‘sliding.’ What can happen there is that partners move in for more practical reasons that are not really based on what stage of the relationship they’re in.” While that might work in the short term, she warns against what happens down the road: “Then they're actually not meant for each other, or they're not good together over the long term. They moved in for financial benefit, and now they don't separate or break up ever and they’re unhappy and stuck.” So be sure to re-assess any big decisions when we're—knock on wood—on the other side of this. 

Above all, remember that the choices you make are being made under extreme circumstances. If there were one simple, cheap, good, and obvious choice you would have made it. For now, talk to your partner early and often about big life choices, and remember to actually make an effort to listen to each other's pros, cons, fears and desires.

Relationships

It’s tempting to post up on the couch all day together, but it’s not healthy.

Originally Appeared on GQ