Who Needs Stinkin' Fireworks? Not My Kids

Town Center...
Town Center...

I live in a very pristine little city in Florida. The landscaping is always perfectly manicured. If a plant shows the slightest sign of wilting it is taken to the Everglades, shot, and replaced with a perfect new plant --that is probably shaking in its britches, well branches. There are bikers riding at all times of day, who are clad in matching day-glow ensembles. They seem to be present, if for nothing else, to prove that the installation of a bike lane was more than necessary. Hordes of people walk their dogs, jog, rollerblade, and do other activities to remind the passers-thru that this is a young and lively community. These people, miraculously never seem winded or even to have broken a sweat. I think if one did, he would be taken to the Everglades, shot and replaced with a new one. Truth is, if the replacement had 6-pack abs and a large bank account his bored wife wouldn't even complain.

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Last year, due to budgetary cuts, my city decided to drop the amazing 4th of July fireworks display that we've attended every year in the past. This year, they've decided to spend tens possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars replacing the white concrete street signs that are in perfect condition, with new wrought iron looking filigreed signs. Well halleluiah, I mean how many times have I read an old "No U-Turn" sign and had no clue what it was trying to tell me? I've lived here seven years and I've never been able to make out the speed limit, for that very reason. In fact, at the hearing for my last ticket, the judge threw out the case when I told him I couldn't look at those eyesores, and therefore had no clue how fast I should drive.

I showed my kids the new signs and they were all, "These signs are so much better than fireworks!!!" I've already promised them that on the 4 th of July, we can put lawn chairs and a cooler right in front of the "15 MPH" one at the end of our street. They've been counting up to today, ever since.

There's also talk about an initiative to make some of the scary local wildlife look more inviting. They're going to fly in Australian trappers to catch local alligators and either move them to other cities or at the very least, put bow ties on them - that decision will come down to availability of funds. They're also going to spend a pretty penny buying ponies for the "daytime" raccoons to ride, so they look more like cute Lone Rangers and less rabid. At our next town hall meeting, I will naturally suggest that they spray paint all those ominous looking turkey vultures pink, and give them clown noses to wear on their creepy buzzard beaks. That will surely make watching them tear apart dead carcasses, on the side of the road, so much less "national geographic."

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I guess I was wrong when I said government is bad at every level. In my town, everything is simply perfect; they mandate it to be so. You should all come live here. Just keep driving south until you see an alligator with a bow tie and stunning street signs that will surely stop you in your tracks.

Have a happy 4th, and if you see fireworks, enjoy them!

PS - This summer I'm doing a humor series called: "Jenny From The Bunk: I Followed My Kids to Camp Now What?" It should be hilarious or I'll get eaten by a bear (either way, it'll be entertaining)! You can follow it on FACEBOOK or see the amusing pictures that come of it on INSTAGRAM.


Jenny Isenman, AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind the award winning site, The Suburban Jungle. A caffeine addicted card carrying Gen Xer, on air lifestyle expert for NBC, and columnist at Huff Po and The Stir, her goal is to you keep herself sane. Oh, and to teach dolphins to read. She is failing at both. Find her on Facebook and Twitter, and Pinterest.