(This is the true story of a previous Mother's Day written on that particular Mother's Day. Some names have been changed for no reason whatsoever.)
This Mother's Day I'm officially the Queen. It's true, my children told me this when I awoke, I mean, when they woke me at 8AM and said, "We let you sleep in Mom, now wake up because you're the Queen today." I'm sure the Queen wakes up at 8AM on the days she sleeps in too.
If the Queen is knee deep in pee, whining, and is constantly saying things like, "I will separate you two if I have to," and "Can someone extract this Lego from my foot?" than I am the Queen every day. I have a feeling she is not, but as I've been a Queen for 6 hours now, I thought I'd fill you in on what it's like.
(Excuse me, I have to calm the Princess who is crying because the Prince got her too wet ... in the pool! For reference, our royal family is in Florida.)
OK, back to my story. I woke up this morning to a Best Mom competition hosted by the Royal Court Jesters. I don't mean to brag, but I won. I'm sorry, there's always next year. Then I was given handmade cards done by the Royal Artisans. Then, as a good queen, I gave the Royal Puppy (who is a royal pain) his walk. You see, I gave the Royal Dog Walkers the day off to spend with their mothers. Of course, I gave in and allowed the Prince and Princess (who tagged along) some playtime at the park we were passing. I had no make-up on, no-bra, and shorts way too short for public viewing, as I graciously gave the Royal Dressers the day off to spend with their mother's.
(Pardon me, I have to rush and dry off the Prince. He needs to jump out of the pool and run into the house to make a poop on the royal thrown.)
Back to the park. First, I pushed the swing, and then I pushed the swing, then I stopped the dog from digging a ditch under the swing. Then the Princess went down the slide too fast, in her pull-up, and fell butt first into the mulchie dirt. Yes, my daughter was in a pull-up and a tee shirt and yes, she rode her bike to the park that way. That does not make me a bad mom, because it's Mother's Day and I gave the Royal Nannies the day off to spend with their mothers... so, I can't be expected to do everything. Don't judge, she wore a helmet.
(One second, I have to confirm whether a floating bug is dead or alive.)
Okay, I'm back. I spent the next 20 minutes attending to a crying Princess who had gotten herself and her pull-up dirty. She refused to get back on her bike, for fear of getting it dirty. She demanded that I, the Queen, walk it back home. Since the Royal Bike Walkers are also off, I walked it halfway and then insisted she get back on. I then promised that I would call the Royal Bike Cleaners away from their mothers to come and clean her bike tout suite.
(Sorry I'll be right back. The bug I determined to be dead has come back to life, and now I must verify whether it is a wasp or not.)
Back to riding back home. As soon as we reached the house, the teary Princess ran towards the royal bathroom and screams quickly followed. I hurried over, only to find her having slipped on some royal pee on the royal floor. Ahh the Prince missed again... and because the Royal Pee Cleaners also had the day off to spend with their mothers, it was not properly wiped up.
(Umm, this might take a while. I am being asked these questions in this order, "Mom, what is it like to be in heaven?" "Where is heaven?" "How do you get your own place to live, with grass and a house and stuff?")
Okeedokey - back again. I, the Queen, have decided to stop attempting to write, and wait until tomorrow when my Royal Scribe arrives. Instead I will leave you with the conversation that is currently going on:
Princess: Mom, ma, mom? J said he will splash me if I taaallkkk *whine whine*
Prince: And Ry kicked me for no reason.
Princess: I don't even care about you now.
Prince: Yeah, well, you have man hair on your back.
Princess: Wellllll, I don't care, 'cause I like it that way....
The above is a true account of my day thus far, and it is only Noon, though I can't be positive as the Royal Time Keepers are spending the day with their mothers.
We do it all, and we may be the Queen for a day but we're still doctors, nurses, secretaries, corrections officers, chefs, maids, servants, scientists, therapists, teachers, soothers, bus boys, philosophers, friends... I could go on all day, but what's a Mother's Day guitar hero tournament, without the reigning champion?
Happy Mother's Day!
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Jenny Isenman AKA "Jenny From the Blog" is a pop culture obsessed, card carrying Gen Xer, and the humorist behind the award winning site, The Suburban Jungle. Jenny's done on air segments as a Generation X, Parenting, and Lifestyle expert for NBC (locally and nationally), CBS, FOX and Huff Po Live. She's also a columnist at Huff Po, The Stir, and SmartBeautyGuide.