Bethenny's therapist Dr. Amador previously shared very important information about how to talk to our children about tragedies -- some of that advice is given again here. What you may not know is that Dr. Amador is an international expert on terrorism and how it affects families. In the aftermath of the Boston Bombings, he now offers more specific advice about how you can be real while helping your children heal from the impact of terrorist attacks. Read his advice and let me know if it helped you with your family.
How to Talk to Your Kids About Terrorism
In the days and weeks ahead, our children will need our help to keep them safe, psychologically and emotionally, from the aftermath of the Boston Marathon terror attacks. Like the aftermath of 9/11, kids are vulnerable to increased fear and depression simply from hearing about the attacks.
Questions like "Who and where are these evil people?" and "Will it happen to my family or me?" are common, but they will not necessarily surface in obvious ways. How we respond to them can make a big difference, so I am sharing important lessons I've learned from my experience helping families after terror attacks (I suggest you follow some of the advice I give below for yourself as well for your child).:
• If your child or children haven't asked, don't push, but do ask if they heard about it (trust me, they now know about it if they go to school, use the internet or watch TV).
• Usually, not always, your child will let you know when he or she is ready to talk.
• If they mention it, ask what they know about what happened and if they have any questions.
• What should you say? If you're scared this is likely to happen to your child, please get a grip! Don't say anything yet…
• Wait to talk until you have dealt with your more irrational (though understandable) fears. As I've said before, round-the-clock news coverage of an exceedingly rare event doesn't mean the thing happens every day! The analogy I used after the Newtown shooting applies in this instance as well. Your family's chances of being the victim of a terrorist attack are far, far less than being killed by lightning. Do you arm your kids with portable lightning rods? Reassure your children that this is not something they have to worry about.
• Now that you are calmer, answer your child's questions simply, honestly, and directly (using age-appropriate language, of course). Focus on safety, not fanning the flames of ethnic or religious hatred, and acknowledge the sadness they might be feeling. It's not only scary, but also very sad.
When stories appear, turn off the TV, radio, and monitor web use to limit media exposure. Research shows that children who are exposed to significant amounts of media coverage are much more likely to suffer from traumatic stress symptoms. Seeing and hearing ongoing coverage is repetitively traumatic and harmful.
Look for Warning Signs
Some kids simply won't talk about it. They will express their reactions differently. Be on the lookout for anxiety or distress. In younger children you will see separation anxiety, disruptive behavior, sleep difficulties, renewed bed-wetting and/or increased tantrums, more crying, etc. You may hear about more stomachaches, headaches and requests to stay home from school. Older kids may exhibit increased moodiness or irritability.
These warning signs can crop up months afterwards. What triggers these reactions isn't the bombings themselves -- it's what's going on between your child's ears and in his or her heart: thinking about it, worrying, having fleeting feelings of fear, hatred and depression.
One last word about hatred: If you hear your child voicing angry feelings, that's natural, and if dealt with as I described above, healing. If the anger is followed by hatred of the group ultimately found responsible, that's not healthy. Hatred is a psychological poison that will harm your child -- especially when it is aimed at a group of people who may belong to a different ethnic or religious group.
If you see these warning signs, don't be afraid to ask questions like:
• Have you been thinking about what happened at the marathon in Boston?
• Do you feel safe when you're outside our home?
• Do you ever wonder about dying?
Children are blessed with colorful imaginations that can also run wild creating terrifying scenarios. Just because they are not talking about it doesn't mean they are not thinking about it and having horrific fantasies about what could happen to them and their loved ones. The stakes are high. Months and years of never having talked about the fears that may be taking root will cause unnecessary pain, fear, hatred and even symptoms of stress and post traumatic stress disorder (and depression). By uprooting those toxic thoughts, weeding the psychological garden of your child's growing mind, you can give him or her a more balanced personal understanding of what the tragedy in Boston means. It's a time for sadness, coming together, compassion and conversation.
To Summarize... Don't shove conversations down your child's throat, but instead listen to what they say and what they are not saying -- listen and look for the above warning signs. Validate your child's feelings; "I can see why you feel so scared," while gently and repeatedly reassuring them "You're safe, our family is safe and so are your friends and teachers. We are all working very hard to make sure we stay safe."
Have you talked to your kids about what happened at the Boston Marathon?
Dr. Amador was featured in "Bethenny Getting Married" and "Bethenny Ever After" as Bethenny's therapist. His expertise has made him a regular contributor to the "Today" show and a featured guest on ABC's "Good Morning America," "Prime Time Live," "CBS This Morning," "NBC Nightly News," "60 Minutes," CNN, "Dateline," ABC's "World News Tonight," FOX News, the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today and many others.
More From Bethenny:
- Dr. Amador: The Mommy Guilt Cure
- Dr. Amador: Shut Up. Listen. And Win.
- 5 Min Therapy: How to Argue to Feel Closer with Dr. Amador