Don't celebrities know that their offspring will get plenty of attention without being saddled with preposterous names? I hate to perpetuate stereotypes, but the baby names some stars come up with often support the tabloid concept that all celebs suffer from: A. incurable narcissism, B. pitifully low IQ, or C. a drug and/or alcohol habit. At least in 2012, we'll be spared the knowledge of what the Kardashian handlers might have dreamed up for the unrealized spawn of Kim and Kris.
In the land of the First Amendment, we'll never follow the lead of countries such as New Zealand or Sweden that have outright bans on names like "Lucifer," "Superman," or the rather tricky to pronounce "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116." However, people (and by people, I mean rock stars, models, pro athletes, and reality TV performers) might do well to follow the advice of a slim pamphlet called How to Name Your Baby Without Handicapping It for Life published in 1922 by a world-class curmudgeon who happened to be named Alexander McQueen.
McQueen admonished, "Give your children names indicative of what you would have them be-in this world and in the world to come-and at the same time bear in mind the practical, everyday value of a well-chosen name." To this end, he offered parents The Seven Rules of Naming:
1. The name should be worthy.
2. It should have a good meaning.
3. It should be original.
4. It should be easy to pronounce.
5. It should be distinctive.
6. It should fit the family name.
7. It should indicate the sex.
In 2011, there were some celebrity parents who did manage, in McQueen's style, to come up with inspired and tasteful monikers. The best include:
Amaya (Mariska Haritgay)
Joni (Zac Brown of the Zac Brown Band)
Monroe (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon)
Penelope Athena (Tina Fey)
Willow Sage (Pink)
Milo (Alyssa Milano)
Skyler (Rachel Zoe)
Marcelo (Ali Landry)
Flynn (Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom)
Weston (Jenna Fischer)
Now, from the "what where they thinking" baby names division, here are 2011's stinkers:
Mosely (Peyton Manning)
Mirabella Bunny (Bryan Adams)
Genesis (Viola Davis)
Arlo (Johnny Knoxville)
Indiana (Ethan Hawke)
Kroy Jagger (Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak)
Spike (Mike Myers)
Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone)
Kannon (Kevin James)
Diesel (Jennie Finch)
In 2012, I suspect Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck (parents of Violet and Seraphina) will give their new baby boy a name fit for the "best of" list, and here's hoping that Beyonce and Jay-Z and Jessica Simpson get their hands on a copy of How to Name Your Baby Without Handicapping It for Life.