It feels like my little boy become a tween over night. One night he was asking me to tuck him in and the next night he was asking me to knock before entering. Tweenhood is an interesting time - a time of acclimating to the social mores of tween/teen culture, learning which hair products work best, which headphones are the most comfortable, and feeling like a total loser (whether you've got tons of friends or none at all).
It also reiterates the fact that they're no longer our little babes, which is a topic I've been banned from writing about it. Seriously, after exploring how moms of boys feel they'll one day leave them for another woman and contemplating what to do when your tween actually pays attention to you, I've literally been given a writing restraining order - imposed by mothers who can't stop sobbing ... and giggling … and giggling while sobbing, which is never a pretty sight. Rather than waxing poetic about how our little ones are becoming tweens, I will simply list the numerous indicators that are...
1. Ninety percent of his responses to questions are in the form of grunts, which can only be deciphered by tone and length.
2. Suddenly, you can pee alone.
3. He went from thinking you knew everything to thinking you know nothing in a matter of weeks.
4. He asks you to drop him off a block from where he's going. "Dude all your friends know you don't drive and you didn't walk here… you're not fooling anyone"
5. He asks if you're dressed before entering any room, covers his eyes, yelps, or just flees - as if seeing something, anything, would literally sear his retinas.
6. Suddenly, he has nothing to say to girls he's been playing with since nursery school.
7. He vehemently argues that he is right about everything - with everyone, but the pets (though I'm sure I've witnessed my child in a heated debate with our dog).
8. He rolls his eyes when you say, "How was your day?"
9. He wants abs.
10. You have to explain the proper use of words you would never find on a vocabulary list, like "douchebag," so that he doesn't embarrass himself at lunch (expect new words weekly).
MORE HUMOR ON DEFINING NEW WORDS: TWEENS STILL NEED THEIR MOMMIES - I HAVE PROOF
11. He locks the door behind him everywhere he goes.
12. You may need to pry his Beats off his ears with a crowbar.
13. You've been introduced to all of the Axe products on the market … and there is a shocking amount of them.
14. When a text bings, he runs away.
15. His entire life is documented in a series of "selfies" on Instagram: "This is the breakfast I ate … This is my bus … How do feel about me? Use this handy emoticon chart to let me know …"
16. He wants to give things away that have huge nostalgic value to you like, every stuffed animal you saved over the years… the massive amounts of Pokemon cards he made you buy and play with, those Transformers you worked like a dog to make into a truck, or those animated videos and bedtime stories you can recite by heart.
17. You don't have to beg him to shower … though you may have to beg him to get out.
18. He's saving for $15 socks and has become obsessed with sneakers. (On the up side, thank goodness someone else loves shoes as much as you do. On the down side, he grows out of them in a month.)
19. Your taste in music suddenly sucks.
20. The kid that once streaked on a daily basis freaks out if you see him in his underwear.
21. How to Hug a Porcupine is your favorite reading material.
22. He (or some of his friends) look like they could put a razor to good use.
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23. His voice cracks more than an American Idol contestant who makes the outtakes episode and resembles the sound of an alto that's been kicked in the balls.
24. He uses the phrase "That's what she said," in the right context.
25. He spent more time on his hair on the first day of middle school than he spent in all of elementary school, put together.
26. That yummy little kid smell is gone … after a day of playing sports, you'd like to air him out - along with his uniform.
27. He's taller or nearly taller than you and he probably weighs more. When did that happen? He was just 7lbs 4oz yesterday, right?
28. Shivering in a hoodie is more tolerable than being seen in a winter coat.
29. Your monthly grocery bill starts competing with your mortgage.
30. He wants to see most the movies you want to see, you just need to debate whether he can... and whether it's weird to see them with him. Hello, Bad Grandpa.
31. Everything you do is embarrassing! You're probably embarrassing him right now, by reading this.
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Jenny Isenman, AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind the award winning site, The Suburban Jungle. A caffeine addicted, card carrying Gen Xer, on air lifestyle expert for NBC, and columnist at The Stir, and Smart Beauty Guide. Her goal is to you keep herself sane. Oh, and to teach dolphins to read. She is failing at both!