As a parent, you know there are certain words and phrases you can't wait to hear. Ones that will fill your heart with total joy -- like the first utterance of "Mama" or "Dada" -- so sweet, so loving, so innocent and you're pretty sure everything they say from then on will be total perfection.
And thennnnnn they learn the word "NO" and your like, "fuck they talk back?" Then they add a foot stamp or a fall-to-the-floor tantrum maneuver and it hits you, they're all bound to say and do this stuff -- along with a slew of other stuff -- and you're screwed.
Yep there's a whole list of words and phrases that you will absolutely dread hearing. You don't even know you dread most of them yet, because you rarely give it any thought. So, being the neurotic over-thinker that I am, I thought about them for you. You're welcome.
Here you go (in quasi-chronological order)...
2. I drew you a picture … on my wall/your sofa/the cat.
3. My fish is resting on its back.
4. Look, I gave myself a haircut.
5. Your kisses don't really make it better.
6. You're not the boss of me.
7. I wish (insert name of mom who let's her kids do anything your kids can't do) was my mommy.
8. I wanna sleep in your room ... again.
9. There's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy, Santa … The Easter Bunny.
10. Mom, I can read bedtime stories myself now.
11. The nurse said I have lice.
12. You don't have to tuck me in/snuggle/hold my hand anymore.
13. So and so said we could have one of their (hamster/guinea pig/gerbil insert rodent here)'s babies.
14. Drop me off here, so no one sees you.
15. Mom stop, you're embarrassing me.
16. No one likes me.
17. You'll never guess what movie so and so's mom let us see.
18. You wouldn't understand.
19. Everyone else is allowed to.
20. I'm too old to dress up for Halloween.
21. I think I just got my period.
22. Please knock from now on.
23. Things were different when you were a kid (bonus if they say, "in your day")
24. It's time to go for my driving test.
25. Meet my boyfriend/girlfriend.
26. I think I'm ready for contraception?
27. I hate you. *Slams door*
28. See you for Thanksgiving break.
29. I got a tattoo, an ear-hole stretchy thing, my tongue/belly button/lip/nipple or eyebrow pierced.
30. The last of my things are all packed up.
A couple of those made me kinda teary, like the last scene in Toy Story 2. I'm just hoping I'll know how to deal with them when they happen.
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