As parents, we've all had to turn some pretty ridiculous phrases at one time or another. The question is, have we, the parents, gone bat shit crazy for uttering these words, or is it our children who are certifiable for doing things that require us to speak them?
Just last week, I had to ask my 9yo daughter, Ry to stop smelling the cat. And not so long before that, I had to explain motorboating to my tween son (with an audio demonstration), so he could keep up with the middle school cafeteria banter.
Here are some of the weirdest things I've had to say to my children over the years (I surprise myself daily), plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans, who never disappoint.
1. "You can have a favorite shirt, but you're not allowed to have a favorite pair of underwear."
2. "Gum you find under tables is NOT 'free' gum."
3. "I don't care how much she annoys you, your sister is not for sale."
4. "Please stop riding the dog."
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5. "You cannot charge your friends at school for massages. And please stop massaging people at school."
6. "We need to keep our pants on in public."
7. "The money you see in fountains is not up for grabs."
8. "Please stop fondling Nana."
9. "Poop is not paint."
10. "You CANNOT practice writing your name, on the furniture … with a Sharpie!!!"
11. "Play-Doh is not your snack today."
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12. "Sticking erasers up your nose and shooting them out at people does not qualify as a talent, no matter how accurate your aim is."
13. "You have to stop farting on each other."
14. "NO! You can't attempt to saw your sister in half!"
15. "'Do not let the puppy lick you there."
16. "Just because you found it and it's alive, does not mean it's our pet."
17. "Why did you toothpaste the cat?"
18. "I'm begging you to stop licking me."
Spill - Got any to add?
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Jenny Isenman AKA "Jenny From the Blog" is a pop culture obsessed, card carrying Gen Xer, and the humorist behind the award winning site, The Suburban Jungle. Jenny's done on air segments as a Generation X, Parenting, and Lifestyle expert for NBC (locally and nationally), CBS, FOX and Huff Po Live. She's also a columnist at Huff Po, The Stir, and SmartBeautyGuide.
Jenny has a tween son, J (who will one day leave her for another woman) and a 9 year-old daughter, Ry, whose quick-wit, extensive vocabulary and shockingly logical thinking will probably lead her to world domination.