13 Inventive Ways to Totally Screw Up Your Kids

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After clicking on an article titled How to Emotionally Screw Up Your Kids, I realizing it wasn't what I expected.

Yes, I was looking for the witty list of inventive ways parents could wield their awesome powers (not that they would). Though the piece I read was scientifically sound (who believes science anyway?) I wanted to read my version. Sadly that meant I'd have to write it.

Well, I've already written lists, which I'm sure you've read, ahem, lies we tell our kids to stay sane, and the universal Momisms we trick them with so, why not?

That said, here it is: 13 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally Screw Up Your Kids (My Version)

1. Start their lives on trend with a unique name. (For inspiration, think of places, feelings, sites, or items you like, and slightly misspell them). "This is my son, Alasca, my daughter, Sentimentle, my twins, Pintrest and Instigram, and my 3-year-old, Iphone 4."

2. If your child tells you there's a monster under the bed, scream, "Oh, NO! He's back, he's back!" and run out of the house.

3. Tell your kids that you forgot to put out the fireplace, Santa's in the hospital, and every kid around the world blames them.

4. If your child steps on a bug, claim it was one of your relatives reincarnated, then start to cry, "Now, you'll never get to meet Great Grandpa."

5. Act like you're on the phone with characters from their favorite shows to get them to do things. "I'm talking to Dora right now, she says your breath stinks and that you should brush them."

6. When you step on a Lego (and you will), fall to the ground wincing and pretend the whole foot will need to be removed.

7. Give make-believe characters random habits. "Keep your mouth closed when you sleep, the Tooth Fairy is a kleptomaniac."

8. Tell the kids that the stew they're currently eating has the Easter Bunny in it.

9. When you want to get a stain off, skip the whole licking the finger and rubbing the stain trick and just lick the stain directly.

10. Tell your kids that shots at the doctor are no big deal, except that there's always a small chance, he/she could accidentally turn them into vampires.

11. When your child is taking a bath, scream 'Shark' and flee the room.

12. Tell your kids that they're safe from the Boogeyman, unless, of course, they stay up past 9 p.m.

13. Send healthy oranges to school, but carve creepy jack-o-lantern faces into them, and when the kids get home, deny doing it. That's what I needed to read.

(PS: These are parody parenting tips … not reference material.)

Well, give me your most creative ideas to screw up the offspring?

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