10 Things I Want to Do Immediately After Giving Birth

This is not a post about eating placenta or skin-to-skin contact with my baby or immediate latching or anything else my title may have made you think. Those things may be tops on some moms' postpartum to-do lists but I'm more concerned with dirty martinis and full-caf lattes and finally getting some damn sleep. You know, the important stuff. As I've written before, I don't really mind pregnancy (and I'm incredibly lucky to be having a third child) but as I approach full term, I'm starting to get really excited about not being pregnant anymore. I have eight weeks to go and I can't help but get pumped for all the things I've gone without (I'm also really pumped for the baby but that's a different post for a different time).

True, I won't be able to do most of these things in the delivery room (and yes, I will be doing the right things for my baby first and foremost--though eating my placenta is not my bag), but I've really missed some of my old habits. And I want to talk about them today because time is flying and it's fun to have something to look forward to (other than the baby, of course). So here, in no particular order, is what I'm most pumped to do once this final pregnancy is over:

1. Have a drink. A big-girl drink. Forget wine (I've had sips here and there so I'm not totally deprived), I'm thinking a just-slightly-dirty vodka martini maybe with a blue cheese olive. I don't even like blue cheese but you're not allowed to have it when you're pregnant so what the hell.

2. Sleep on my back. Oh what I wouldn't give to lie flat without the voice in my head telling me I need to roll over so I don't cut off the blood supply to my baby.

3. Sleep on my stomach. And lie on my stomach. And flop onto my bed on my stomach. Really do anything that requires contact with my stomach.

4. Sleep in general. I get to the point in all of my pregnancies where I struggle to sleep so much that I know I will sleep better once I have a newborn. And I do. Sounds crazy but it's true. I hit that point really early with this one and went for about six weeks with complete insomnia. Like watching New Girl and reading books in the middle of the night insomnia. It was pure torture. I've actually slept well the past five nights and I feel like a new (read: sane) person. Fingers crossed it sticks.

5. Get my body back in shape. I know I will not be thin as soon as I give birth (what do I look like a reality star?!) but I will at least not feel so big--and conspicuous. I find myself checking out fit, non-pregnant women and thinking, that must be so nice! There's also the attention to my weight and body that I'm kind of over. Especially after the super fun conversation with my doctor yesterday where he told me I needed to watch my weight gain…and then launched into a long and condescending list of the dos/don'ts of healthy eating. As if I don't know that I shouldn't drink soda and eat a ton of pizza (neither of which I do, mind you). UGH.

6. Lift things. Heavy things. Anything I want. Without someone (my mom) telling me I really shouldn't be lifting that.

7. Eat raw cookie dough. This is not a staple of my normal diet but as a mom, I do make cookies and I way prefer a spoonful of the raw stuff than the finished product. I'd also like some pâté (not something I generally like at all but there's a fantastic French restaurant we frequent that has the most delicious baguettes and butter and pâté on the table and I've been craving it for months). While we're at it: spaghetti carbonara (I make a really good one), raw oysters, and a yellowtail/jalapeno appetizer from any good Japanese place. And some unpasteurized cheese just for the hell of it.

8. Play with my kids. Like really play. I am not a sit-on-the-sidelines-and-watch kind of person. Last summer I was tubing and waterskiing and jumping off the bow of the boat. This summer I was the one taking pictures (and naps) and instead of diving off the diving board I had to wade in from the shallow end. Boh-ring.

9. Take medication. Even though I'm alive because of a lifesaving cancer drug, I am not a big self medicator. I'll complain of a headache but never take an Advil--it drives my husband nuts. That said, when you can't take anything for nine months you start to miss some of the modern medical conveniences. The past two months have been rough on me. I had an insanely itchy and inexplicable rash on my arms and legs (which contributed to the insomnia). Then right after Labor Day I got a stomach bug that put me down and out for an entire week. I couldn't take anything (anything that helped anyway) for either issue. I think it's safe to assume that childbirth is going to hurt as it did the last two times and I'm assuming I'll be offered some Motrin post partum and I'm going to gulp it down happily. Yum, yum!

10. Bend over. I'm not quite at the point of waddling or bumping into stuff but my belly is big (see condescending weight gain talk, above) so it won't be far off. And I definitely can't bend and snap the way I used to be able to. As parents, I think part of our job description should be bending over constantly. To pick stuff up, wipe butts, tie shoes, clean the kitchen floor, etc. I'm ready to be able to do that with grace again.

OK, that's it for now. Not such a tall order, right? Of course I know I will have to ease into all of this stuff (especially the vodka-it's no fun getting up in the middle of the night with a newborn after a cocktail or two) but I also know it's right around the corner. And I'm excited. So, what do you miss most when you're pregnant?