By Marnie Nir for BounceBack.com
Here's the good news and the bad news: only way to find Mr. Right is by being Mrs. Right. You have to be boldly willing to check your own stats - do you have the body you want, a job you love, and a life you are proud of? Because truth is, when it comes to finding your one, you are not getting out of your own league.
1. We attract people equal to who we are. For some that is rocking news, for others, it points to areas where you need to improve yourself. It's more interesting news than pointing at your favorite excuses of why THEY are the problem, why this isn't easy or how all the good ones are taken.
2. Do the math. Examine your "type" and your past relationships. If you keep repeating the same pattern over and over again, i.e., date non-committal types, cheaters, liars, ones that badmouthed their exes, and you want to stop dating those types, you will need to really deal with what you ACTUALLY like about those types. If you are drawn to cheaters, you may have to deal with the real fact that it's in your family lineage and unbeknownst to you, maybe, you are still trying to wrong a right in your family. Save a dad or mom. Paint a villain a hero, a victim a saint. The only way to change a pattern is to boldly see it first.
3. You have to accept that you are in charge of your romantic life. Why are YOU hoping to get "hired" as opposed to doing the hiring, to firing anyone different than what you want? You are not going to get sued; fire them. Quickly. Be picky. It's a great freaking position for which you are hiring - your ONE. Stop trying to keep him or her. Stop trying to squeeze them into a box they don't fit. Stop working so hard to keep him and see if you even want him.
4. Stop trying to prove there is some sort of drought when it comes to finding your one. It is just an excuse and safe and convenient of YOU to think so. Thinking there is some sort of shortage when it comes to the love of your life, actually, conveniently, allows you to continue dating "not its." It's a bit like declaring dieting "hard" while walking into Krispy Crème. A convenient theory when hungry, no? Why not collect evidence starting today that dating is easy, magical and believe he is coming soon.
5. You know if he is The One, by the very nature of him acting like "The One." The One calls you back. The One doesn't need convincing you are great. If you're not being yourself around The One, he ain't The One. You can't blow it with The One. If it blows up, leaves, says you are not his One - The One wasn't your One. If he is the ONE, he talks through anything. Get yourself to believe this and see it as a duh, you can ease up on yourself; stop contorting to be someone you are not. Learn what you were supposed to from all of your not-Ones and move on, proudly.
6. Stop lying. Gasp. I know, not you. What if lying is thinking things and not saying them. Are you wondering if the date was as fun as you thought, ask. If you are looking for love and not telling the person you are dating, and just hoping…you are setting him up. Stop being such a chicken, especially, if you yourself are looking for a brave honest man, get brave and honest yourself. If you want love and are searching for the one, stop pretending you are laid back, one of the guys, a buddy, don't care, low maintenance. If you lie and have your imaginary publicist date for you instead of the real you, you will only date fellow liars. If you want to find your soul mate, stop pretending you are looking for a drinking buddy. Stop feigning nonchalance and hoping he calls, testing him, hoping he passes when really you know the answers to the pop quiz. Don't test the guy. Tell him the answers; your true One will want to pass.
7. Keep your tongue to yourself. Don't even kiss him unless you think he is a real possible dream "one." Get THAT honest, THAT serious about what you want. Don't have sex with him until the two of you have declared yourselves going for IT and monogamous. You will be left proud of yourself for telling the universe and your date, that you are done excusing, lying and selling out. Get that bold. Yes, it's so much easier to screw them, cry about getting screwed if left than being brave about your dream and holding yourself and intimacy as sacred.
8. If you step over red flags and play victim, you are in the wrong sport. You have donut crumbs on your face pretending you have been good on your diet. Open your mouth (tongue still to yourself!) and ask for what you want and don't waiver. Put in dating rules. Ask all. Tell all. If you want an honest mate, honest up yourself. It's only when you are being 100% honest can you smell someone who isn't.
9. Make dating promises to yourself -- promise to go out at least once a week and talk/flirt with someone who seems available. Make sure you tell your friends this promise and have them help you. Then move on to a dating promise - promise to go on two dates a month.
10. Once you're back in the game, do your homework in the first three dates to see if it's really a match. Find out significant beliefs about compatibility on big things in life, and be honest. Better to blow it up earlier with the truth than to fall in love and really care, when you were never a good match to begin with.
Do you need help writing your online dating profile?:
Come to my one-hour teleseminar created for just that purpose. If you can't make it, we'll send you the audio recording, but you must register in advance. "Right-ing Your Dating Profile" is on Wednesday, Nov 9 from 12-1pm ET. Save $5 when you use promo code: bounceback5right.
Click here to sign up: http://www.handelgroup.com/life-coaching/one-hour-teleseminars/writing-dating-profiles/
Marnie Nir is a Senior Coach with Handel Group™ Life Coaching and her coaching style is that of joyful honesty and courageous commitment. More than a decade ago, Marnie started coaching with her sister, Lauren Zander, creating the dream of who she wanted to be as a mother. However, her work with Lauren took everything in her life to a much deeper level. She is now the mother of two (ages 15 & 10), a trained Coach in The Handel Method® and a freelance writer. Most notably, she and her writing partner have written a television show, which has producers on board and is currently being pitched. Marnie is also the creator of her own blog The Sour MILF. She lives in Katonah, NY with her husband and two children.
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