If I See These 11 Phrases in Another Online Dating Profile, I’m Going to Lose It!

by Gena Kaufman

CN Digital Archive
CN Digital Archive

We often commiserate over online dating horror stories--the bad messages, the guy who just wants to see if you can hook him up with your sister, the fake profile of a person who doesn't even exist--but the most soul-sucking thing about online dating is how friggin' repetitive it is. All men are not alike, but you'd never know it from most of the lame, cookie-cutter profiles in the virtual world. Last year I pegged "Joe Generic" as one of the worst types of online daters, but apparently, he continues to keep cloning himself all over the Internet. It's a problem. Seriously, if you've read one dude's online dating profile, you've probably read the next 20.

And here are the worst offenders--the phrases that I've read so many times, I can practically smell them coming when I check out a new guy's profile.

"The most private thing I'm willing to admit is….that I'm on an online dating site lol." Not only is this the most boring, commonly used answer to this question, it also does a sly double duty as an insult. Are you telling me there's something embarrassing about online dating? Because, um, how do you think I got to your profile?

"I'm a laid back guy/down to earth/easy going."--said every man ever regardless of his actual personality.

Anything about his sarcastic sense of humor. I get it--sarcasm is the form of humor du jour. Does anybody still like an earnest pun?

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"Favorite books: Mostly nonfiction." Come on, guys. I'm sure a few of you actually do spend a lot of time reading biographies and memoirs and technical books. But, like, most of you just mean the extent of your reading is skimming the news headlines when you're supposed to be working. Either tell the truth or make up a more creative lie.

"I'm equally as comfortable spending a night in watching a movie as I am going out for drinks." Even the wildest college kid likes to stay in once in a while, and even my grandma likes to get out of the house for some fun some nights. This is the least informative statement of your likes and dislikes ever.

"Six things I could never do without: Water, oxygen, food, friends, family, my iPhone." Ugh. I know it's this question's fault for being the worst, but does everyone have to be so generic about it? Let's all make a pact: If we all give more creative, thoughtful answers to this question, we also promise not to point out that you could probably literally live without those interesting things.

"My taste in music is really eclectic. I like everything from classical to death metal." First of all, I highly doubt that even 10 percent of the 11 billion people who say this actually have a single classical song on their iPods. There is no second of all.

"On a typical Friday night…it depends." Oh, wow. You're so varied!

"First thing people notice about me: I'm not sure. You'd have to ask them." Well, here's the thing dude: YOU ask them before writing this answer. That's kind of the point of this question, and if you were a little more aware of how people perceive you, it might help your profile be less boring.

"You should message me if…you like to have fun!" This is the online dating profile of those people trying to get you to come see their comedy show in Times Square by stopping you and asking if you like to laugh. Just because I, like every other human being on the planet, enjoy enjoying myself doesn't mean that I will enjoy your comedy show or the guy behind your profile. Please give a little more incentive.

"I work hard and play hard." Ugh, you all love working hard and playing hard so much you should just marry it already.

Men of the world, I've met a lot of you. You're so much more interesting than this in person. I know you can do better.

What phrases are you sick of seeing on online dating profiles?

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