I'm not writing because I'm interested in you. I'm writing because I feel sorry for you. Your online dating profile makes me cringe; it floods me with embarrassment for you. Your emails help me to understand why you're single. Now, in real life, I don't go around judging a person based solely (oh, and speaking of sole, it's soulmate, not solemate and honestly, you really shouldn't even be using the word at all) on their ability to write and take a decent photograph, but on an online dating site, that's all I have to go by. When I receive a couple dozen emails, winks, and likes a day, I have to weed through them and yes, unfair as it may be, I skip over those of you who start emails with "Hey Hotstuff", have pictures of your dog sitting on your Harley, and have phrases such as "herpes-free" in your profiles.
Although I don't know you personally, I want to help you. I want to give you some advice so you don't end up a lonely old, (hmmm, what's the male version of a crazy cat lady?) well, a lonely old coot.
Related: 13 tips for snagging a man (circa 1938)
1. You have pictures of your dog/cat/goat. I'm not looking to date your pets.
2. You have pictures of your motorcycle/car/boat. I'm also not looking to date your vehicles.
3. You have pictures of the fish you caught. Would you like to see pictures on my profile of shopping bags containing the bargains I just scored at the mall? Enough said.
4. You have pictures of sunsets and other assorted scenery. This may come as a shock, but I already know what a tree looks like. I want to see what you look like!
5. You have pictures of yourself from 1992. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing it comes as a shock when someone meets you for a drink and there you are, the spitting image of your photos , only with 40 extra pounds and no hair.
6. Your photos all contain a bunch of people. I have no idea which one is you.
7. Your photos are all taken from about 100 yards away. You look like a speck of dust.
8. Your photo looks like a mugshot. Try smiling.
9. You look like a serial killer. Try a little less psycho-looking expression.
10. Your pictures were all taken in the bathroom mirror and to top it off, there's a layer of film on the mirror, hemorrhoid cream on the counter, and you used a flash so in place of your head, there's a big, white light.
I'm sure you're a great guy. I'm positive women would like to get to know you. I'm pretty sure at lease one person would like to meet you. Remember, God loves you. And if you make a few of these simple changes, perhaps someone else will take the time to get to know you as well. Good luck and best wishes on your search!
-By Dawn Damalas Meehan
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