Your Horoscopes for the New Year (Sign-Specific Resolutions Included!)

Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes - ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: "Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?" We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Even when you've got steak at home. You're thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, swiss cheese, bacon, mushrooms, special sauce - the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one's making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat - so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and gentials) a break. And after that palate cleanser, we suggest you make it your New Year's resolution to make like Paul Newman and find a dish to call your own.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo's favorite movies, The Four Seasons: "Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue." To put it less delicately, you've got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year's resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember when Geraldo drunk-Tweeted that topless selfie in the middle of the night? (How will any of us ever forget that image?) There are things in this world that are meant only for the person you share a bed with. Your New Year's resolution: Sext like crazy, send dirty SnapChats to the one you love, but keep it private, people! And for every minute you spend on social media, make sure you spend at least a minute lavishing attention on your other half.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: Don't settle for anything less than someone who can stimulate you intellectually and inspire you. Yeah, like it's really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we've been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Resolve to never forget that, despite the dodgy suit jackets and bad hair days, the Supremes got it right: You can't hurry love.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a "Why don't you all just go screw yourselves" mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting. Unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the price of mistletoe and how to stop a tree from shedding its needles.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can't always get what you want. And sometimes, when you don't, you have a tendency to punch, kick, scream, and bite. Let's work on some self-control issues this year.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It's time to conquer your fear of all things sensual: start with candles, work up to soft jazz and bubble baths - by the end of the year you could be an expert in erotic massage!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
In Pedro Almodovar's Talk to Her (his perviest, most disturbing - yet somehow sweetest - film), a man is asked, "Are you single?" and he responds, "Yes, I'm alone." Which is kind of how you've been feeling lately: "One is the loneliest number," and all that claptrap that seems so much more depressing when you don't have a date for New Year's Eve. But maybe your attitude isn't helping. You're not alone, you're number one! Your New Year's resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This year, do not shag the married, the recently dumped, the commitment-shy, the strange (both weird and unknown: get to know them first) or the gay (unless you're gay, in which case, don't date the straight).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don't be so argumentative all the time. It's the holidays - everyone's too stuffed with crescent rolls and eggnog to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can't you just drop all the "issues" for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex this year: 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would I be just as happy with a game of chess?