By Eliza Thompson
Twee handclaps and cutesy whistling have had their moment. That moment is now over.
1. "Speak Now" by Taylor Swift. This song is excellent for karaoke with your BFFs when you're all too drunk to notice your range is not remotely as high as Taylor's. But at weddings? The narrator literally wants to interrupt somebody else's ceremony because she thinks the groom deserves better than his intended bride. Unless that is actually how you wooed your groom, save it for girls' night. Otherwise you're just asking for some long-lost college gal pal to attempt her own one-woman reenactment of My Best Friend's Wedding.
2. "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" by Tammy Wynette. The title says it all.
3. Anything that features handclaps, stomping, or whistling. Twee, folk-ish music - think Mumford & Sons, Edward Sharpe, or Peter Bjorn and John - seems to be many people's idea of an easy way to convey that they're having an "alternative" wedding, not one of those boring, Village People-soundtracked affairs. But guess what? If you hear that "Home" song three times in the span of one wedding season, you can probably guess that it's not that unique anymore.
4. "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind. Believe it or not, one Cosmopolitan.com staffer reports having heard this suicide-prevention anthem at a real wedding. "It was terrible," she said.
5. "Everytime" by Britney Spears. See No. 4. If you're looking for a romantic Britney slow(ish) jam, perhaps "Unusual You" is a better choice. The couple actually stays together in that one!
6. Pitbull. No. Just no. Except for "Timber," because that one is mostly Kesha and she's ***flawless.
7. "What Would You Do?" by City High. Again, a great song for karaoke, but a horrible song for celebrating the union of two happy, #blessed souls. Prostitution, poverty, drug abuse. You might think it sounds right at home on your Early '00s Nostalgia playlist (it does!), but Grandma is not going to like it.
8. "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba. Not appropriate in any setting except middle-school dances circa 1997.
9. "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton. Do not get me wrong. Dolly Parton is a goddess among mere mortals, and she deserves eternal worship. But this is a breakup song. She actually says, "Good-bye, oh, please don't cry" in it. How has its true meaning eluded so many brides for 40 years?
10. "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. This song is not romantic. It is about a stalker. Now you know.
11. "The Rains of Castamere." For the love of the old gods and the new, just don't do it.
12. Enya. This is your wedding, not a commercial for Pure Moods. Unless your wedding theme is all Pure Moods everything, in which case you're a genius and probably my soul mate.
13. "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang. You didn't actually know what that song was called, did you? If you're not cool with little nephew Joey screaming, "Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" all the way home, it might be wise to stay away from this old chestnut.
14. That M83 song from The Fault in Our Stars. People are already going to be crying at your wedding, because it's a wedding. What, are you trying to reduce everybody to trembling piles of weepy goo? This song is basically guaranteed to cause approximately 100 percent of your female attendees to ruin their mascara, and nobody is going to thank you for that.
15. Bon Iver. Who are you, Bella Swan in the throes of depression? Keep it light! This is supposed to be a happy occasion, and you're (presumably) not pining after a vampire. So get the party started!
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