By Frank Kobola
Why is he wearing cargo shorts and a T-shirt with holes in it? Because it's Sunday. Leave him alone.
1. The fact that Michael Jordan is unequivocally a better player than LeBron James. Maybe you've seen him get an animalistic look in his eye when he overhears someone say Muhammad Ali was a better boxer than Rocky Marciano. He may have overturned a buffet table when another patron talked smack about Pete Rose. He will kill for these beliefs, but he will not offer up a concrete opinion on which shoes look better with your dress.
2. His attempts at growing a beard. Not all beards are created equal, but even if a guy can only grow five unconnected tufts of hair, he will still get angry when you make fun of it. Outliers to this rule are anyone who can grow a beard like Gerard Butler.
3. His favorite old T-shirt. We're talking his old high school football shirt that is starting to fall apart but you can't throw away. There might just be one, his might be an entire drawer full, but God help you if you turn any of them into a cleaning rag. These things are basically his second skin.
4. His car. A man's car might as well be a sibling: He can talk bad about it, but no one else ever can. It might be missing a hubcap, fail every emissions test ever, or have hoarder-level piles of junk weighing down the bumper, but this is what gets him around. Every guy wants to think he's Steve McQueen in Bullitt, even if he's driving a Kia Rio.
5. The weird pile of dirty socks in his room. He might have a pile of dirty socks so dense that it makes you wonder if it's even possible to wear that many pairs of socks in a lifetime. Leave it be. Unless you live together, it's best not to question what's under that sock pile, because it might be a skeleton or something.
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6. His browsing history on PornHub. Weird things happen when you have an erection, and a man's personal fervor should answer to no one. Never confront a man about his masturbatory expeditions; it's like cornering a hungry bear.
7. His insistence on cracking his knuckles every five minutes. "Weird," "gross," and "habit" don't even belong on a Venn diagram together. He will keep his habits even if his doctor literally tells him it's bad for him.
8. Using the same towel to clean himself for weeks at a time. If you're clean when you get out of the shower, and the towel dries you off, how does the towel get dirty? Don't bring up bacteria and mildew; those have no place in this discussion.
9. His favorite cargo shorts. Are you really going to argue against pants that can store an unprecedented number of objects in them and manage to keep everything accessible? You will lose every time. Cargo shorts might not be as fashionable as skinny jeans, but you're never going to have to wedge your hand into a pair of cargo shorts and fish around for your keys for 30 seconds.
10. The existence of aliens. First off, aliens are totally real. Just throwing that out there. Second, all the crazy people defending the existence of Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster that only air during the History Channels off-hours are men. Then they'll cut to one woman who is an actual scientist who very politely explains why these animals can't exist in nature, but the crux of her argument could basically be summarized by, "Why are you bothering me with this shit?"
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11. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back or Die Hard being the best feature films of all time. He'll see your Gone With the Wind and raise you giant quadrupedal mechs that fire lasers, duel with laser swords, Boba Fett, and one of the best movie twists of all time. What does that other movie have? Wind?
12. His childhood friend Boomer who is 30 and can still proudly fit his whole fist in his mouth. Blood is thicker than water, but the bonds you forge making paper airplanes in Miss Kessler's third grade class are also thicker than water apparently. Some of a man's childhood friends might grow up to be complete morons, but you don't abandon your childhood friends.
13. His old baseball caps. If a guy has a lucky hat, or a hat his grandpa gave him, or just a hat that's been around a while, a man will wear that hat until it literally falls apart. Not like, it gets sort of worn. It has to disintegrate on top of his head. This is ancient law. Also, do not steal a man's hat and wear it unless you are either (1) best friends or (2) actively having sexual intercourse.
14. His insistence on getting a haircut that is just getting his hair cut as short as possible. This is the ideal mancut: a haircut that allows one to avoid going back to the barber for as long as possible. Style goes out the window if you can cross "getting a haircut" off your to-do list for the next 6 months. Also, even if you need a haircut, you can just slap the baseball cap from No. 13 onto your head and coast for at least another week.