By Frank Kobola
1. Foreplay is necessary. If you're on the train to Pleasuretown, it needs to make a few stops along the way to load and unload passengers. Foreplaytown is always a stop, even on the express train.
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2. Don't just grab boobs. You're not trying to palm a basketball here. You're not checking which cantaloupes are ripe. Be precise with your fondling.
3. It's great that you're in shape and all, but you don't need to jackhammer away as fast and as hard as you can. Orgasms aren't like those bar games that measure how hard you punch. Going harder isn't going to get you a higher score. I mean, it might, but build up to it. See No. 1.
4. If you are doing something and it's working, don't stop. If you can tell a woman is enjoying herself (and at this point, you should probably be able to tell), don't stop. It doesn't matter if you're tired. This is a marathon and you're in the final sprint. If you screw up here, it's just going to take you longer in the end and you'll still be really tired.
5. Everyone loves oral sex. Oral sex is awesome whether you're a man or a woman. If you love it, then do what Haley Joel Osment taught you and Pay It Forward.
6. Taking charge isn't necessarily a bad thing. Follow her cues, but some women like this. If that's the case, man up. 50 Shades of Grey was a bestseller for a reason, and literally one reason only.
7. Being submissive isn't necessarily a bad thing. If she takes control, man down. You're not being a wuss; you're pleasing a woman.
8. There are more than three sex positions. It's OK to have your standbys, but switch things up every once in a while. Sometimes it's just nice to see new scenery. Hit shuffle on your iPod.
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9. If you're going to come somewhere, give your partner a heads up first. It's like screaming "fore" on a golf course: you only have to do it if you're not alone, but it's very necessary if you're playing doubles.
10. You're not a telegraph operator from 1942. Don't mash on her clitoris like you're sending Morse code messages to the rest of her vagina. No woman enjoys this. And that's a guarantee.
11. Anal sex is by invite only. Unless she hands you a gilded invitation inscribed with your name, you keep away from there. Pretending you just slipped in is a rookie mistake that will never be well-received.
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