10 Things Not to Say to Your Older Girlfriend

By Anna Breslaw

Never EVER let the tiny baby you're dating say these things.

1. Ughhh, why are you always tired? Because you are a tiny baby and my bones are made of dust. Let's move on.

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2. How come you won't do shots/drink Jägerbombs anymore?
Because that shit used to bounce off me and I'd wake up fine. But now I wake up feeling like I got hit by a car. And frankly, it's not worth it. I'll stick to white wine.

3. You're such a drag for not going to this obscure rock band show in a smelly basement with me.
I did my time in basement shows, spilling my Rolling Rock all over my shirt when I got caught in a mosh pit, wondering when my boyfriend's band, Alt-Rock Fart Noise, would finally play their set. Know what's hella cool? Reading.

4. Hey, can you get the check for this? And this? And everything? No. I am not your bank account just because I have more money and a better job than you. In the words of Destiny's Child, "Scrubs are not welcome here, please go elsewhere, thank you."

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5. Don't be so cynical! Why not? I have more life experience than you. Talk to me in a couple years when you're a little more beaten down by adulthood. Until then, let me continue to emulate Daria without judgment.

6. Don't worry, you don't look your age. Which would be a horrible thing? There are beautiful women of all ages.

7. My last girlfriend was more immature so she needed a lot of support - I'm so glad you don't need anything. Actually, even though I'm slightly older than you, I'm still a human being who would like to be able to lean on her boyfriend occasionally. Not in a damsel-in-distress kind of way, just in a call-you-when-I'm-feeling-lonely way.

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8. So are you, like, dying to get married? 'Cause I'm not ready. No.

9. So are you, um, dying to have kids? 'Cause I'm not ready. Hell no.

10. You remind me of my mom. Oh my god, I hated what you just said so much that I had a stroke just now.

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