These phrases drive guys crazy - and not in a good way. We got real men to tell us what they don't want to hear between the sheets, ever. By Anna Davies, REDBOOK.
"When are you going to finish?"
"Sex is supposed to make us feel closer than ever, but when I hear this, I feel disconnected," explains Jeff R., 40, from Keller, TX. "Up until that point, I assumed we were both having a good time. When I hear this, I feel like she's just counting down the seconds until it's over, which makes me feel horrible." Instead say, "I really really want you to climax," suggests Emily Morse, host of the radio show Sex With Emily, and author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. "Letting him know how much you want to see him let go shows him how much his pleasure turns you on." He'll get the hint without an accidental ego bruise.
"Did you hear the baby? Can you go check?"
"It's the worst because there's nothing we can do about it," says Gabe K., 34, of Los Angeles, CA. "It's inevitable, and of course, we're going to go and check, but we're human - it's frustrating!" Sure, chances are very slim you'll pick up where you left off, but saying "hold that thought," lets your guy know how much you cherish the time you have alone together - even if it is interrupted - and makes it clear to him that he's still a huge priority in your life.
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"Oooh...nope. You were close, though!"
"One of the best parts of sex is seeing her satisfied," says New Yorker Sean R., 28. "I want her to give me a chance, and when I hear this, I feel like she won't even let me try, and that my skills are really lacking." Instead, focus on the positive with a comment like, "my whole body shivered when you did that. I can't wait to try it again." Because guys don't have our anatomy, it's hard for them to understand how truly random orgasms can sometimes be, explains Reef Karim, MD, a psychiatrist and co-author of Why Does He Do That? Why Does She Do That? "If you want or need a specific move, let him know. If it just didn't happen, and that's all right with you, letting him know you still enjoyed it reassures him that you're not disappointed in anything he did."
"Have you always had that mole?"
"I like being looked after, but what can I do right then'" asks New York City's Sean R., 29. "It'll just make me worried, and take me out of the moment." So keep silent until after the action. Then, if you have noticed something strange, absolutely bring it up. Skin cancers can be found anywhere - yes, including where the sun don't shine - so even if it's not sexy, he needs to know.
"We never just talk anymore."
"I don't think about talking or not talking,' says Seth P., 32, from Brooklyn, NY. "And if she says that when I think we're going to have sex, or right after sex, it feels like she's implying that I only want her for sex, which isn't true." Instead of voicing a general complaint, get the ball rolling by saying, "if we win the lottery, what would we buy first?" The flood of post-sex hormones can make men sleepy, so meandering hypotheticals - the ones you most likely connected over when you first met - are far better ways to begin the deep conversations you crave than those mundane, everyday subjects.
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"I was thinking the kitchen walls would look good in a cream shade. Do you?"
"Because obviously, robin's egg blue would be so much better!" jokes Joe W., 35, of Cambridge, MA. "Seriously, do I need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say during the action?" Instead, tell him about the sensation you're most enjoying. Narrating what's happening can snap your mind back into the moment, says sexuality educator Ruthie Neustifter. "If your mind is wandering because you're not especially turned on by what's happening, then you owe it to yourself to switch to a position or move that does do it for you." In other words: Think about how you want to pant - not paint!
"Do I look like I've gained weight?"
"It's a manipulative question, and there's no right answer," fumes Chad C., 42, of Seattle, WA. "If we say yes, we know they'll be drama. If we say no, you might be making us lie." Guys want to worship your bod in bed - not criticize it, so tell him, "I want your hands here." He's not searching for a six-pack when he touches your stomach, but simply enjoying the skin-on-skin contact. That said, subtly redirecting your guy's attention from a spot that's making you feel self-conscious or distracted is the best way to get yourself back on track without killing the mood.
"Tell me I'm pretty."
"I'm not a trained seal," says Dave W., 36, from Savannah, GA. "It feels weird when a woman tells me what to say. It's like she wants me to play a part." A better strategy? Voice what you want him to do to you at that moment. Shifting the focus to your physical desires instead of your appearance is better than pretty - it's hot. "Being bossed around a bit can be a total turn on. It shows how badly she wants me, which is an ego boost," says Dave. The other men we spoke with agreed that a woman who knows what she wants in bed and isn't afraid to ask for it is (pretty) irresistible.
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"I have to pee."
Hold it (not literally!) This one is kind of tricky. "I don't mind this one occasionally," admits Sid S., 28, from Hoboken, NJ. "But it does bring down the passion level." Cramps, gurgles, the need to pee ASAP - all that stuff is part of sex, and there's no need to hide it, or be embarrassed. The trick is to stay off the slippery slope that leads to cringe-worthy, Judd Apatow script-like conversations about bodily functions. And the best way to do that is to occasionally maintain a little mystery - at least until the main event is over - by simply telling him you'll be right back.
"Can you do that thing I like?"
"This is something I've had so many ex-girlfriends say," explains Jeff R. "And the truth is, a lot of times, I never knew what she was talking about! All of a sudden, I'm playing a guessing game." So be specific with a comment like, "I've been thinking about you doing X since I woke up." Playing coy makes for good flirting, but the guys we spoke with agree that it can be confusing in bed. By keeping games outside of the bedroom, you're setting both of yourselves up as winners.
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