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*Note to Readers: Dates and times are approximate, except the ones before the Internet was invented. Those are made up.
July 1982: Born in London, weighing a whole pound, to designer Vivienne Westwood; friends and family astounded by size. Given name "Oblong Brown Hat, X-Large"
September 1982: Utters first word: 'Hey'
November 1982: Decides upon career as a Professional Cameo. Requests headshots and puts them into newspapers and magazines.
December 1982: Wins first role in music video for Malcolm McLaren and the World's Famous Supreme Team hip-hop classic "Buffalo Girls." Receives critical acclaim.
1983 - 2009 Struggles to find work, widely considered a one-hit wonder
May 2010 - Gets big break when discovered by Pharrell Williams while throwing back a few rounds of dust at a dive shelf in London.
2010 - 2014 - Begins taking cameo lessons with Pharrell. Given stage name, "Pharrell's Hat."
January 26, 2014 4:30pm Makes official Hollywood debut on Grammy Awards red carpet after years of rehearsing in bedroom and bathroom mirrors. Press immediately goes wild, calling him the next Abraham Lincoln's Hat.
January 26, 2014 4:35pm Joins Twitter. Decides first tweet will reference first word: "Hey."
January 26, 2014 4:45pm Scores Taylor Swift's autograph. Tells her he is available for her at any time, and gives her personal phone number
January 26, 2014 5:00pm Takes seat at Grammy Awards, asked to move because blocking Kevin Hart's view. Offers to sit on Kevin Hart's head instead.
January 26, 2014 5:30pm Gets into big argument backstage with Daft Punk's Helmets. Daft Punk's Helmets say Pharrell's Hat has gotten a major big head, and refuse to take stage with him. Last minute decision made to let Pharrell's Hat sit out. Pharrell's Hat responds to controversy on Twitter.
January 26, 2014 6:00pm Feels better when Twitter takes his side in debacle, taking matters into its own memes.
January 26, 2014 10:30pm Tries to hit on Madonna's Hat at after party, but is rejected.
January 26, 2014 11:30pm Picks fight with Daft Punk's Helmets after one too many shots of tequila; kicked out of bar.
January 27, 2014 Named the Most Talked About Star of the Grammy Show by MTV; Hires publicist to manage media requests.
January 31, 2014 Gets side job with Diddy, not for the money but free Ciroc.
February 4, 2014: Receives first piece of fan art. Has officially made it.
February 4-8, 2014: Goes on vacation in St. Bart's. Gets really, really sunburned.
February 9, 2014: Shows up at New York Fashion Week, burnt but refreshed.
February 9, 2014: Takes stage during Beatles Tribute wearing heavy makeup to cover burn.
February 10, 2014: Attends Oscar Luncheon, requests photo be taken at best angle.
February 10, 2014: Reconnects with long lost family members who found him on Twitter.
February 12, 2014: Working with developers on signature fragrance. Launch TBD, but officially a bona fide brand.