Simone Biles, Elaine Thompson Are Actual, Literal Superhumans

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I don't know how many more amazing feats of superhuman skill I can stand. It's like last week when those pictures of Orlando Bloom's peen were released and then the next day pictures of Justin Bieber's wiener came out and it was like, dis tew much. Like, how much celebrity vacation nudity are we supposed to bear?

We're nine days into the Olympics and I am exhausted. Watching other people work really hard is hard work. Thank you for your condolences.

This weekend of amazing feats and broken records laid me out. And then in my non-Olympics life I binge-watched The Get Down on Netflix and saw Leslie Odom, Jr. in concert at the Borgata and now I am all the way dead.

I have died of sheer, unadulterated excellence. I am writing this from Heaven. The wifi is great here. Some dude just told me to tell you hi. I think it was Magellan. Or Orson Welles. I don't know. It's weird here, tbh. Everything is gold and a little gaudy and there's constant singing. Actually, this may not be Heaven; I may just be living in the Mariah Carey episode of Cribs.

I just cannot get over the fact that all weekend long Simone Biles, Elaine Thompson, Usain Bolt, and more were doing things that, legit, humans generally are not able to do.

Photo credit: Paul Gilham/Getty
Photo credit: Paul Gilham/Getty

Elaine Thompson ran 100 meters in 10.71 seconds. It took me longer to write that sentence. It takes me longer to find the remote. Elaine Thompson is actually faster than some of my thoughts.

And Usain Bolt ran the same distance in 10.07 seconds. That's the slowest time he's ever won with. He is 100 percent superhuman.

Photo credit: Paul Cameron/Getty
Photo credit: Paul Cameron/Getty

He's not even hiding it anymore. He's like Tony Stark at the end of the first Iron Man. He's calling a press conference like, "Obviously, I am a superhero. You're welcome. My superhero name is Bolt. Obviously. People, I wasn't even trying to be discrete."

We have six more days left in the Olympics but we all know how it's going to end. Right after the Closing Ceremony, Samuel L. Jackson is going to show up wearing an eye patch with a special message. These are not games; they are a global recruitment session for S.H.I.E.L.D.

Honestly, I am okay with that. For one, it means our planet will be protected from the Infinity Stones or whatever. (Spoiler alert: I have seen every Marvel movie and I have no idea what they're trying to prevent or why. Please don't try to explain it to me. Many have tried; none have succeeded.)

So, I get that there is a purple guy who I think is Josh Brolin who is trying to get these stones but also there's stuff happening on Earth and maybe Thor is having a psychological break and also where is the Hulk? I don't know. None of that matters because I'm moving to Wakanda! One ticket on Black Excellence Airlines, please!

I'm just saying if the Simones, Katie Ledecky, and Monica Puig (first gold medal for Puerto Rico!) don't get an invitation to be a part of the Avengers sometime this week, this whole thing is rigged.

It just stands to reason if you're this good at shot put, you're basically asking to be enlisted in the military's Fastball Special program.

I've spent all weekend being obsessed with the judges for shot put. What is their deal? What does the job description say? "Okay, so we need you to stand in the middle of a field dressed like you're at a country club wedding in the mid-'90s (no later than '97, please) and women will throw large stones at you at high speeds. Cool?"

Photo credit: Adrian Dennis/Getty
Photo credit: Adrian Dennis/Getty

Olympic shot put is like David and Goliath if Goliath was actually just Niles from Frasier.

Why can't every Olympic coach and official also cosplay a '90s sitcom character. Can you imagine Ross from Friends as a fencing coach?

The players could psyche themselves up before every match by screaming "You were not on a break!" right before they put on their masks.

Ah, sports.

So many superhuman things that the Venus Williams' medal with Rajeev Ram was almost overshadowed!

Photo credit: Clive Brunskill/Getty
Photo credit: Clive Brunskill/Getty

Do you ever imagine what the conversation at the Williams Sisters weekly brunch is like?

SERENA: GOAT to GOAT, how are we going to do this Olympics gig?

VENUS: I was thinking we could win a medal in every sport.

SERENA: Good idea, but I can't do equestrian. I've been weird about horses ever since I guest-starred on Game of Thrones.

VENUS: You were on Game of Thrones?

SERENA: You didn't know I was Quaithe?

VENUS: I thought that text was sarcastic.

SERENA: I think we need to have a national conversation about what words actually mean.

VENUS: Anyway, so if we don't medal in every sport, how about I take tennis? You've been getting a lot of attention since Wimbledon.

SERENA: That's cool. I'm really looking forward to just being a regular citizen again.

::Samuel L. Jackson appears wearing an eye patch.::

SAMUEL L. JACKSON WEARING AN EYE PATCH: Hello, Williams sisters. I have a job for you…

VENUS: How many times do we have to tell you-we're in the Justice League. But the new league. Less grim; brighter costumes; maybe some comedy. Anyway, do you want one of these croissants or what?

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