7 Rules to Follow When Your Teen Wants to Start Dating
Relationships are complicated. So it’s no surprise that helping your child navigate the teen dating years is a challenging parenting phase. But discussing expectations with your tween or teen is a big part of your child's adolescent development. It will also help you create an open line of communication and arm your teen with the information he or she needs to grow into a responsible adult and engage in healthy relationships. Be careful to use gender-neutral language so your teen will feel more comfortable being open with you about his or her sexual orientation as well as their identity.
It can be tough to know when to start these conversations. Follow your gut and take cues from your child as he or she starts to become more social. If they have already found a love interest, it’s not too late to have these important discussions. Here’s a list of common-sense suggestions to help you set up some clear expectations and boundaries and help foster an open line of communication about dating.
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1. Acknowledge the New Stage
This is new territory for you as a parent and your child as they grow. Simply stating that fact is essential, says Joani Geltman, M.S.W., author of A Survival Guide to Parenting Teens ($7.06, Amazon). “It’s an important statement to put out because parents don’t have to know everything about what to do and what to say. You work through it together. And parents need to get used to the idea of seeing their kids in a different light."
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2. Collaborate to Set the Rules
Like many elements of parenting, when and who your child wants to date isn’t within your control. So don’t make grandiose statements like, “You can’t date until you are 16,” because you may not be able to enforce it. You’ll likely be met with resistance and lies. Chances are you've already negotiated curfews with your son or daughter when they've gone out with friends. Similarly, set rules (and consequences) early on for dating activities. “Especially with older teens, let them talk first,” Geltman says, as you discuss possible rules.
“Ask them what their expectations of you as a parent are and what they think the rules should be.” Then you can come to a mutual agreement about expectations and cut down on future arguments. “Kids may say it’s none of your business,” Geltman adds. “Remind them you understand that they don’t want to share what’s private in their relationship, but that you do have to agree on the expectations and that is your business.”
3. Just Keep Talking
Check-in with your teen regularly. This is not a one-and-done conversation. Let them know if they ever have any questions or concerns, they can always turn to you for support or advice. “You are opening the conversation to help guide them as opposed to making a judgment about their choices,” Geltman says. “You have influence to help them understand things they aren’t talking about with anyone else.” Remind them that if they’re not comfortable speaking with you, there are other trusted resources at their fingertips, such as your child’s pediatrician or family doctor.
4. Address Social Media Usage
You likely spent hours talking on the phone with a high school boyfriend or girlfriend. Today’s relationships will take on a slightly different approach, with heavy involvement from social media. Though it can be a tool to connect with others, it can also be a platform used to make poor choices. “You have to talk to them about sexual safety—especially online—because this is the first generation to have such access to media… Checking on their online activity is about ensuring their emotional safety,” Geltman says.
Talk to your teen about the potential consequences of inappropriate texting, social media, and dating app behaviors. Let them know that even if a photo or message is supposed to disappear after it's been viewed, a recipient could easily take a screenshot and circulate it. Remind them that taking suggestive or nude photos of themselves or others — or simply receiving them—can have legal implications. Reinforce that just as they don’t want you knowing every detail of their personal relationship, they shouldn’t feel a need to let their friends on Snapchat or Insta in on every detail either. Help them understand the rules around online relationships and online dating, acknowledging that it can lead to a false sense of intimacy.
5. Always Meet and Greet
Find comfortable opportunities to meet the person dating your son or daughter. Even if you've known the person your teen is dating for years, invite them to come in and chat with you about plans before heading out: where they’ll be going, curfew times, and driving rules. It will help you become better acquainted with the teen your child is spending time with, plus it'll establish the message that you care.
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6. Consider Age and Encourage Group Dates
Though it isn't a fail-safe measure, having your child date someone of the same age can help prevent risky behavior. According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, teenage girls tend to have their first sexual experience with male partners who are three or more years older. For teenage boys, their first sexual encounter is likely to be with girls who are less than a year older. Be willing to talk about this with your teen. You can also suggest your teen start out with group dates. Double dates can not only be double the fun but also provide a helpful and safe partner, should one of them find themselves in a difficult or uncomfortable situation while on the date.
7. Talk About Consent
Speaking of uncomfortable situations, this is a topic you must address. “These conversations are not so much about the birds and the bees these days. It’s more about boundaries,” Geltman says. “Consent is not the kind of topic they are going to talk about with their friends, so the only place to get these messages is from you as their parent.”
Make sure your teen knows they should never assume they know what their partner is thinking. When in doubt, they should ask. Help them understand how to set boundaries and acknowledge the boundaries of others. Talk with them about what healthy relationships look like and let them know that being manipulated, put down verbally, being physically assaulted, or being isolated from other friends and family relationships are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. Let them know that if they find this happening to them, they need to reach out to you or another trusted adult like a teacher or school counselor for help.
It's also important to teach your teen to recognize manipulative language and reject lines such as, "If you really love me, you'll do this for me" or "You know we both want to, so don't act like such a prude." This type of language can pressure an individual to engage in activities they aren't ready for or know are wrong. Set up a rule that if your child finds him or herself in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation and needs your help, you'll be there to pick them up.
