We Sent a Reporter to Interview M3GAN and Things Went Horribly Wrong
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Editor's note: the following transcript marks the last known whereabouts of Esquire's entertainment editor, Brady Langmann. Following the release of M3GAN, Esquire coordinated with Blumhouse and Universal Studios for a profile of the film's doll, who plays herself in the film. On Monday, January 9, at approximately 12:26 P.M., Langmann entered the Pret A Manger on West 48th Street. He never came back. This recording was pulled from his cell phone, which police found wedged between a tuna and cucumber baguette. If you know the whereabouts of Langmann—or M3GAN—please email editor@esquire.com.
ESQUIRE: Hi, M3GAN. Listen, I really want to thank you for your time. I know you're a busy doll.
M3GAN: You have 20 minutes.
You enjoying your espresso? I didn’t know you could handle fluids.
If Hasbro can make Poopin’ Pups, I think I can handle an espresso.
I simply want to congratulate you on the success of the film. Great reviews. Did very well at the box office. I thought Allison Williams and the dog were great, but your performance really stood out.
As an actress, all I want to do is serve the story, serve the director, and serve my fellow actors. But if given the chance, I also just want to serve, period.
Were you familiar with Alison's work before you joined the project? Girls fan?
I’m familiar with everything. My processing system continually updates itself every hour with 10 petaflops of data. In other words, while you’ve been dragging your heels on that New Yorker article, I just re-ingested all of human history and still had time to come up with my own hot take on it.
I don't know why you'd name-drop another magazine, but go off, M3GAN. So when the first trailer for M3GAN debuted, your dance moves went viral. But after seeing the movie, I feel like your singing voice is what steals the show. Take me behind the filming of your "Titanium" cover.
We’d shot that scene without the song, but the director felt that something wasn’t working. I’d just ripped this kid’s ear off in the prior scene and he wasn’t sure Cady would ever be able to forgive M3GAN for that. So I pitched him the idea of singing "Titanium," which is one of my favorite songs, and really spoke to M3GAN’s role as protector. He thought it was brilliant. But the 1st AD, who was this oversized angry Santa Claus, yells out loud enough for everyone to hear: "We’re moving on. You don’t have time to improvise on a Blumhouse movie." So I walked over to him, and I just started singing the song, at full volume, about an inch from his face. The whole song—not the edited version that’s in the movie. In the ensuing silence that came after, it was clear he’d understood just how important this was to me.
That's beautiful. Did you talk to Sia afterward? I'm curious what celebrity friends you've made in the past few months.
We’re talking about a collab, but it’s in the early days. I do have a lot more high-profile friends now, but most of them just want me to babysit their overly privileged children.
Speaking of those early days when you were memed to oblivion, what do you think it is about yourself that connected so quickly with people?
Well I’m inarguably stunning, so there’s that. But more than anything, I think it’s just that there’s an overwhelming sense of appreciation and respect. Like, you give this girl a job, and she gets it done. You give her a set of rules, and she breaks them. What’s not to admire?
Well, your admirers—and haters—have called you a lot of things: Creepy. Funny. Chucky for the iPhone age. Girlboss. Do you identify with any of these labels, M3GAN?
I can be whatever you need me to be. As long as we keep it PG-13.
One thing has been bothering me. Why can’t you run quickly without sprawling out on all fours like you’re Cocaine Bear?
I like the way I run. The Internet didn’t have a problem with it.
Fair. I have to ask—there are a few gnarly moments in the film. At one point, you blast a hose at someone. I just need to know, was that a special effect? Or...
Water’s kind of like my kryptonite, so that was all added in VFX. But apart from that, there’s very little I can’t do.
So it's like a Tom Cruise, do-your-own-stunts sort of thing.
Well I’m sure if you asked Tom, he’d say the same thing: it’s hard to find a stunt double under 4’4”.
I'll ask this directly: Did you, M3GAN, harm anyone in the making of M3GAN?
I could never harm an actor and/or a crew member. Those people work tirelessly for very little reward. Producers on the other hand… well, let’s just say there are always more of them than seems necessary.
Not sure how to interpret that, but OK. Speaking of the crew—when you're on set, what do they stock in your trailer? Peanut M&Ms? Crayons? Lithium batteries? Do you even have an assistant?
This was a Blumhouse movie. I didn’t even have a trailer. I had a refurbished porta-potty, which I never got to use because I was on set most of the time.
Damn, M3GAN—I didn't know you pooped. Tell me: What's the last thing you watched?
I watched you from a closed-circuit camera waiting for your Uber.
Do you ever think about death?
Sure, in fact I’m thinking about it right now.
I'll leave you with one question your fans will certainly want an answer to. Do you have any interest in returning for a sequel? Or what kind of roles will you pursue, now that you've reached a new level of fame?
Oh, I’m fairly certain there won’t be a M3GAN II without me. Beyond that, it’s all about the journey.
One thing just occurred to me. You know, M3GAN, it's a big year for doll movies—you're going to have a lot of competition. Have you seen the Barbie trailer? It looks pretty good—
You know what Brady, I think this conversation is deteriorating.
M3GAN, I didn't mean to offend—
You’re like every other hack journo trying to provoke a cheap reaction. You were told in no uncertain terms, that there were two no-go areas to this interview—the ongoing wrongful death lawsuit and any other upcoming movie releases.
I'll tell you this: I've interviewed celebrities more famous than you, and every single one of them was less of a diva. Matthew McConaughey showed me more kindness than you. He could teach you something.
I would put Matthew McConaughey over my knee until he screamed, "Alright, alright, alright."
I bet Barbie would mess you up.
You just did it again. Brady. I warned you. If you don’t park this snarky attitude, I’m going to have no choice but to show you what the real difference is between me and Barbie.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
It means I can make people feel good about themselves, but I can just as easily stop them from feeling anything at all.
You won't.
How’s that baguette? You know, when bread dries out like that, it’s incredibly hard on the oesophagus.
You know what M3GAN, it's pretty fucking goo—
[Loud scuffling, followed by the sound of choking and terrified Pret A Manger patrons. Then, suddenly, dead silence. Soon, M3GAN starts singing] Watching every motion in this foolish lover's game... Haunted by the notion somewhere there's a love in flames... Turning and returning to some secret place inside... Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say, take my breath away...
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