Self-Care Advocate Alexandra Elle Wants Women to Give Themselves "Permission to Pause"
Alexandra Elle is a revered voice of reason for a new generation.
The author, podcast host, and mother is known for her one million-strong community where she posts affirmations, manifestations, and words of wisdom for women wanting to venture deeper into their personal, mental, and emotional self-care journeys. Her own venture into personal wellness has inspired two of her books, After the Rain and Neon Soul, which have become reliable references for Black women and women of color seeking guidance and tools to obtain healthier relationships with not just the world around them, but themselves.
To help mark International Women's Day, Elle partnered with clothing brand COS to make a donation to the Loveland Foundation, an organization focused on providing therapy to Black women and girls in need in the United States. Below, we speak with Elle about the partnership, her path to self-love, parenting throughout the pandemic, and her advice for women everywhere who are struggling to prioritize self-care.
What does International Women's Day mean to you personally?
I think for me, it is a good reminder that women are stronger together, and the importance of sisterhood and showing up for ourselves so that we can show up for our community. International Women's Month and International Women's Day shine a light on how amazing we are individually, but also when we join forces and unite.
I'm also a mom of three girls, so it's really beautiful to be able to instill the importance of sisterhood and womanhood and leaning on our community to my children. So it really comes full circle, and I'm so glad that more folks are shining light on women connecting, uplifting each other, and supporting each other.
Why was it important for you to partner with COS this year?
COS reached out and asked if I would be open to partnering with them for this really monumental experience. And the Loveland Foundation was the foundation that I chose for the donation. ... But the Loveland Foundation is one that is my absolute favorite.
The founder, Rachel Cargle, is phenomenal. And to be able to stand in solidarity with Black women and girls, especially around mental health and providing therapy services—and also really stressing the importance especially during COVID, and social isolation, and all of these big things that we're going through, the importance of self-care as community care. And when we are able to show up and name what we need for ourselves, we can then, in turn, hold space for those around us.
I really wanted to make sure that I stress that in this partnership with COS, and also to just be a Black woman in the wellness space, who is a facilitator of writing practice and who writes about self-healing, it just all seemed really aligned and divine. And I think with this donation going to the Loveland Foundation, it's just going to continue the beautiful work that they are doing. And allowing more folks to heal, more women, and more Black women and girls, to heal in ways in which that can heal others around us. So it just seems like perfect timing.
Your channel of work focuses on womanhood and on self-care. When did you decide in your life to dedicate your work and your career to uplifting Black women's stories and also sharing the importance of mental and emotional health?
I truly decided to start sharing work and creating work around healing when I was about 22. And I had gone through this big transitional stage in my life where I was just trying to figure out who I was and what made me happy. And what story I was carrying that may not have been mine. And being able to identify what my healing could look like without carrying stories that were no longer serving me. And a big factor of my work comes from this notion that we are not alone in our struggles. And we're also not alone in our joy.
So to be able to hold space, not only for myself, but for the folks who read my work and take my courses and retreats, to give them the sense of solidarity and community and openness around not having to walk through whatever it is they're walking through alone. And being brave enough to show up in our truth and stand in our power without shame or guilt. And to release the expectations that others put on us. And truly live in alignment with who we are and what we want to do and be in this life.
I think there's a lot of beauty and sacred soul work woven into that permission that we give ourselves. And then, in turn, give other people to show up in their healing and their self-care practices.
You're a mother. We're busy, we're balancing so many things while we've been stuck inside. How has your personal style adapted within this very challenging year we've had? And what are you looking forward to once we hopefully get out of this moment?
It's so interesting, because even though we're home, I'm still working so much. A lot of conferences, a lot of Zoom calls, a lot of teaching online. So that's actually been really supportive in me not losing my style, because then I'm forced to dress up. And that kind of feels good. I'm not, like, wearing heels or anything super fancy. Even though, I do have some friends who will dress up just to feel human. And I think that that's really beautiful, especially during this time. But I've been living in cozy knits and beautiful vintage sweatshirts. I am obsessed with vintage sweatshirts. I have so many. And also just making sure that I'm taking pride in what I look like even though I'm at the house. Because there was a point during the pandemic where it was just raggedy. I mean, to be honest, it was a struggle.
We do have a lot of pajama days here, because we don't go anywhere most of the time. But something that really shapes my day is, like, when I put on my eyebrows and put on a little lip balm, and I actually get dressed for the day. I do notice I feel better. And what I'm looking forward to is getting dressed up again, and going out and having date nights, and meeting up with girlfriends, looking cute. Just getting back out into the world in that way.
What I love about COS is that they offer these pieces that are functional both in the house and out of the house. So I've been living in their chunky knit sweaters, too, which makes me feel put together when it's time to get on a Zoom call. And then also, when I'm walking by a mirror, I'm like, "Oh, I kind of look cute today. That's nice." So just finding those mini moments of joy and this new reinvented-like style. What it means to have elevated loungewear because that's really all I've been wearing. I haven't put on jeans in like 18 months. It's wild.
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We're coming on a year of this pandemic, and we've been more isolated than probably ever before. How have you managed to stay connected to your personal community this last year?
Especially being home with my husband and our three girls, just trying to make space for individuality and autonomy while also showing up at work and parenthood. I'm not going to lie, it's been a struggle. We've been leaning in to our community by keeping our pod tight and small, and just FaceTiming a lot with family and just being more intentional about picking up the phone and asking folks, "How are you?" And laughing and making room for joy.
Something that's been really special is my grandmother is in her 70s and she lives alone. She works at NIH [National Institute of Health]. So she's able to get tested regularly, and we've done our part by getting tested. And having her come over and be with the great-grandbabies has been so special, especially because she's an elder alone. And knowing that our safety and our health impacts her as well.
In order for us to see her and share space, we have to be safe. We have to wear our masks, we have to be home most of the time unless we need to go out. It's like really looking at that community-care aspect and that self-care as a community-care aspect has really shown a light on what it means to show up for ourselves and other people.
And then outside of that, I have picked up painting in the pandemic. I'm trying to find new ways to stay creative, which has been kind of fun. To do something I have no idea what I'm doing, and then, like, make a thing. Something else my husband and I do with the girls is that we go on rides. We just hop in the car and we ride around town. And the kids are like, "Can we go on a night ride?" It's become a thing. It's been a year. It's wild. But now, that's a ritual for us. Some nights we go on a night ride. So just finding our flow and being really mindful about our community and those it directly impacts in our pod and in our circle.
What is your advice for women who are balancing so much right now between work and parenting, and just trying to stay sane throughout it all. What would you say to the woman who's struggling to carve out time for herself?
If you're empty, you can't show up fully and with intention. I think that was my biggest takeaway from 2020, because I was really starting to feel burnt out. And my anxiety was super high and I was just sad. That was because I wasn't giving myself permission to pause. Right? I had my busiest year yet last year because everyone was signing up for my courses. I think I taught, like, 5,000 people last year.
And it was constantly like creating these month-long courses, doing all these speaking engagements, hosting meditation, just creating content that would support my community at large, both in person and online. I had completely forgotten about myself. And I had, like, a breakdown moment with my husband, where I was just at my wits' end. I wasn't in therapy. I had to find a therapist, and then add that into my self-care routine, a biweekly call with a therapist.
When I'm able to show up for myself, I am able to show up better for those around me, including first and foremost, my family. We're all home together and it's hard. It's hard for the kids. It's hard for my husband. It's hard for my oldest who's 13 and she's in Zoom school all day. You know what I mean? It's just hard. How do we make time? And we have to find space to do it. And to give ourselves grace when we drop the ball. Because there's going to be a lot of balls dropped, especially if you're home with kids and you think your day is going to go one way and it's like, "Sike! It's not." So just making room for mistakes, but also giving ourselves that permission to pause and really check in and ask ourselves, What do we need to feel seen and safe and supported? So that's what I would say. Permission to pause.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
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