Science proves people who like sweet snacks are hot and fun

·2 min read
Man pretends to bite into large cake
Man pretends to bite into large cake

Looking hot and fun, sir!

I spend every waking moment positively begging to be classified on the internet. “If you’re a Virgo, you probably look great in green.” Excellent, green it is. “If your parents worked late when you were in junior high, these memes are for you.” Wonderful, give me the memes. Now, a dubious study tells me that folks with a sweet tooth are more likely to be more creative, adventurous, organized, and interested in trying new things. Finally! As a perennial consumer of midday ice cream, this is fabulous news.

People reported on the survey, which involved 2,000 “general population Americans” and explored the major personality differences between those who prefer sweet treats and those who prefer savory snacks. Commissioned by food gift retailer Hickory Farms, the study resulted in several findings that flatter my idiot ego:

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Ultimately, these results are completely meaningless. With just 2,000 participants and a questionable employment of the scientific method, the study results are probably about as accurate as me racing through a private college campus and offering a free high five to anyone who identifies as an intellectual. And yet, I will be using these study results to justify my relentless candy snacking until the day I die. I am hot and fun!