Golden Globes: Ricky Gervais Slams HFPA, Caitlyn Jenner in Monologue

Ethan Alter

Ricky Gervais took the stage at the 73rd Golden Globe Awards after a three-year absence, and wasted little time reminding the TV and movie celebrities assembled in the room why they were right to be afraid … very afraid of his return. “Shut up you disgusting, pill-popping, sexual deviant scum,” he told the applauding crowd. “I want to do this monologue and go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch.”

Armed with a glass of beer — the first of many drinks the host vowed to imbibe that night — Gervais continued to tease the crowd. “Relax, I’m going to be nice. You’re global megastars with amazing talent. Most of you. A few of you just married well.” So much for being nice! Here are some of this meanest, most memorable jokes from Gervais’s opening monologue. Whaddya say, Golden Globes bookers? Wanna go for a fifth round?

  • “I’ve changed; not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. You can’t have everything, can ya?”

  • “Every day, [Jeffrey Tambor] has to put on all that women’s clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it. That takes balls. I don’t know how he does it, I really don’t. I’ve seen his balls: They’re huge and long.”

  • “One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe! Especially if their film company has already paid for it.”

  • “The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. The Catholic Church are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and have been allowed to continue without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever.”

  • “The Hollywood Foreign Press Association deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. Hence Matt Damon is here tonight. So that worked a treat, didn’t it. To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again so was Schindler’s List.”

  • “All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters. There’s going to be a female remake of Ocean’s Eleven. It’s brilliant for the studios because they can get guaranteed box office results and don’t have to spend too much money on the cast.”

  • “Listen, if you do win tonight, remember: No one cares about that award as much as you do. Don’t get emotional — it’s embarrassing, OK? That award is, no offense, worthless. It’s a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you, OK? That’s all it is. I’ve got three Golden Globes myself. One’s a doorstop, one I hit burglars with, and one I keep by my bed. It’s the right shape and size. To be clear, that’s a joke about me shoving Golden Globes — that I’ve won! — up my ass. And they asked me to host four times!”