A Republican Congressman Thinks Kangaroo Courts Are Run by Captain Kangaroo

From ELLE

Huge news from the "That Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means, Sweetie" file! Today, whilst giving a forceful and stirring oration on the scurrilous charges that Donald Trump was ::checks notes:: doing what he has tweeted about doing and saying what he has gone on camera to say, Representative Matt Gaetz revealed that for some reason he thinks that a kangaroo court is run by children's television host Captain Kangaroo.

Gaetz, surely a future Pulitzer Prize winner, told reporters, "What we see in this impeachment is a kangaroo court and Chairman Schiff is acting like a malicious Captain Kangaroo." And I? Personally? Would like to be blasted directly into the sun as soon as humanly possible. Thanks!

For those of you who, like Rep. Gaetz, don't feel like doing a Wikipedia search, let me explain what a kangaroo court is. The term refers to tribunals that ignore due process and judicial standings, proceeding by great leaps. You know, like a kangaroo does with its hind legs and such. It originated in the 1800s and, like most other terms in the English language, it was all downhill from there.

On the other hand, Captain Kangaroo was a nice man who had Courtney Cox's Scream 3 bangs for some reason.

Captain Kangaroo also wore a coat with big, deep pockets. You know, like a kangaroo's pouch and et cetera.

These two things, despite their shared word, are actually unrelated. First of all, while Bob Keeshan, who portrayed the character, served in World War II, it is unclear whether the character Kangaroo ever earned the title of Captain. For years rumors have persisted that Kangaroo was actually a pirate captain but y'all are not ready for that conversation.

Nevertheless, one must ask oneself, "Self, as I hurtle toward the burning orb of the sun, what pray-tell would a captain be doing presiding over a court? He's not Judge Kangaroo. That's not even alliterative! Is this a court-martial situation? Should I have paid more attention to the David James Elliott military law series JAG so that I could better understand current events? Did Adam Schiff show up to work today at the House of Representatives, grab Matt Gaetz by the collar, and growl 'I'm the captain now', another fresh off the grill pop culture reference? And, most importantly, who was advising Gale Weathers on how to style her hair? That's the person we need to be bringing in front of this courtroom full of amiable children's television hosts, actual animals who would like to be left out of this narrative, and a few misbegotten congressman!"

What I cannot get over with Matt Gaetz's statement is that these are prepared talking points. True, they're not written down, but if you believe this is just an off-the-cuff quip I have a bridge to sell you in Ukraine. Gaetz, or someone in Gaetz's office, actually sat down and thought, "Hm, we're supposed to be pretending that investigating the president for impeachable offenses that we are all witnessing him commit in real time is a fool's errand. How to best convey that with the best words available to our greatest public speakers? Ah yes, kangaroo court, a phrase that is near and dear to the hearts of everyday Americans. And I'll really capture the attention of the press with some clever current events references tying Adam Schiff to known and agreed upon magistrate in any kangaroo court, the Captain."

Well, if it's the press's attention he wanted, let me be the first to say, "In the words of harmless and cuddly celebrity best friend, George W. Bush, 'Mission accomplished!'"

I, for one, hope that Gaetz follows the rest of the GOP and doubles down on this unforced error. I hope he goes on Fox News tomorrow to blow open the whole kangaroo court kontroversy. I want him to go all the way in on this kover-up. "What I want to know is why the Do Nothing Democrats don't want to acknowledge that they are clearly taking orders from Captain Kangaroo and his band of criminals including Mr. Green Jeans, Slim Goodbody, Clarabell the Cow, and Uncle Backwards. We as a country need to go Uncle Forwards! And we can't do that while hamstrung by marsupials! As we all know, kangaroo babies are called joeys and in the words of the most famous baby kangaroo, Joey from Blossom, 'Woah!' Woah to this impeachment. Woah, ladies and gentleman. Thank you."

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