A Ranking of Chris Pine's Best Roles Based on How Horny He Makes You
Chris Pine is hot. This is a fact and not some recent discovery made thanks to Wonder Woman or the trailer for his new Black Dahlia miniseries I Am the Night. Actually, I’m going to go right ahead and say that Chris Pine is the hottest Chris in Hollywood (fight me) and there are receipts to back this statement.
In addition to becoming one of the best actors of his generation, the man with the piercing blue eyes has also easily made viewers swoon over the years. When I say swoon, I mean instantly turn into horndogs. What follows is a brief but necessary guide to Chris Pine’s best work in order of how likely you are to hump your TV.
Note: This is just one woman’s opinion and yes, you should definitely have a Chris Pine marathon this weekend.
12. Just My Luck
In 2006, not long after his breakout role in The Princess Diaries sequel, Chris continued to dip in rom com land with Lindsay Lohan in Just My Luck. Chris plays Jake Hardin, a nobody whose luck (yep) turns around after he kisses Lilo’s character at a masquerade party. If the last name “Hardin” isn’t enough to get you all excited, perhaps seeing Chris in glasses will.
11. A Wrinkle in Time
Daddy Chris isn’t for everyone and it’s a bit of a stretch to get all horned up for a Disney movie. Still, you might just get weak at the knees over any of the following: his salt and pepper beard, his disheveled hair, his oversized tweed blazer, and of course, ~those eyes.~
10. Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp
If anyone can play washed up and still remain hot, it’s Chris as a musician in the second installment of the Wet Hot franchise. Come for his performance of “Higher and Higher” (which is also an apt description of how you will feel after watching him sing). Stay for his long, dirty locks. P.S. Have you ever been THIS jealous of a guitar?
9. Horrible Bosses 2
Chris saying “shower buddy” will definitely make you imagine what it’s like to be his shower buddy IRL. The sequel to Horrible Bosses finds Chris as one of the bad guys who gets kidnapped by Jason Sudeikis and company when his onscreen dad (Christoph Waltz) backs out of a business deal. (Note: You might want to fast forward through the Kevin Spacey parts because well, you know.)
8. The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Chris was so new to Hollywood in 2004 that he didn’t even get a proper introduction in the trailer for the sequel to The Princess Diaries. [Insert Shut. Up. joke here.] His role as Lord Nicholas Devereaux remains one of his finest and yes, it’s totally normal to fantasize about Chris being the lord of your chamber after watching this.
7. Unstoppable
Next on this list is Action Movie Star Chris in the 2010 high-speed flick about how he and Denzel Washington attempt to stop an unmanned train from plummeting into a town. This movie has everything: at least one shot of Chris waking up shirtless on his couch, close-up shots of his face (seriously, so close you might want to kiss your TV/computer screen), Chris saying “We’re gonna run this bitch down.” What more could you ask for?
6. This Means War
What happens when two hot guys (Chris and Tom Hardy) who work for the CIA discover they’re dating the same woman (Reese Witherspoon)? An action-packed duel involving exploding cars, tranquilizers, and Chris saying “make it rain.” You know what else is raining? The inside of your pants every time he’s on screen.
5. Into the Woods
Forget what I said about getting horned up for Chris Pine in Disney movies. If seeing Chris as Cinderella’s Prince singing on top of a waterfall and ripping his shirt open to reveal his beautiful chest doesn’t make you feel things, you are reading the wrong listicle. If his over-pronunciation of the word “passionate” doesn’t make your eyebrows arch, perhaps the climax (ahem) of this scene, Chris splashing about in the water, will seal the deal. What’s this movie about again?
4. I Am the Night
The dark tone of this TNT miniseries directed by Patty Jenkins is made all the more better thanks to the presence of Chris, who plays a tabloid reporter with a weakness for drugs and doesn’t quite have all his shit together. Having anyone else in this role likely would’ve made the series skippable, but his charms (at least in the pilot episode anyway) will surely win you over. Plus, his character takes phone calls on the floor. Shirtless. “Can you dig it?” he says at one point in the show. Yes, yes I can.
3. Star Trek
If you slept on Chris’ early work, 2009’s Star Trek reboot might just convince you to board the H.M.S. Pine (Hot Man Ship, not Her Majesty’s Ship) forever. As James T. Kirk, Chris made it easy to crush hard on the smug, know-it-all guy who never played by the rules. With words like “thrusters” and “burst” sprinkled throughout the film, Chris is essentially the sexy cherry on top of a cool sundae one enjoys in outer space. The movie launched Chris into a bankable star with $358 million at the box office, NBD. It’s a good thing he made two more of these, giving all of our dirty dreams even more content to play with.
2. Hell or High Water
Yes, Chris is someone who robs banks in this film and yes, he looks like he needs to shower all the time. But then you remember this guy is doing all of these bad things for his family and for survival and that damn, he looks like a s-n-a-c-k with that mustache and those cowboy boots. You’ve been warned: Have a napkin handy if you’re watching this for the first time.
1. Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is an emotional journey for anyone who supports (1) having more women in positions of power, (2) a good makeover sequence involving Diana’s weapons, and (3) Chris Pine’s body. Hands up if you screamed in pure horror when the camera refused to show what Diana was seeing when Steve Trevor emerged from the magical blue bath: his penis, aka the very thing that prompted Diana to ask if Steve was a “typical example” of his sex. With a sequel on the way, Chris has an opportunity to correct this (a butt cameo would be nice, too), and this is something we can get behind.
Honorable Mentions:
Outlaw King
This Netflix drama is more than two hours long, which his why it merely deserves an honorable mention. If fast forwarding to Chris’ 10-second long full frontal nude scene counts as watching the film, call me a historical film nerd!
CSI: Miami (“Extreme” – season 2, episode 10)
Between the lip ring and his hair parting down the middle, Chris looks like a boy band member straight from the good ‘ol days of the late-‘90s/early-‘00s. Hey, this is hot to some people, OK?
Z for Zachariah
If surviving a nuclear apocalypse can ever be hot, you can have Chris Pine to thank.
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