I Pledge Allegiance Exclusively to Chris Evans' Teal Crushed Velvet Pants
It's truly amazing that before Captain Marvel and Okoye could singlehandedly revive the half of the universe that Thanos snapped away, Chris Evans showed up to an Avengers press junket in teal crushed velvet pants that were so incredible they wiped the other half of the population out. Sad news for humanity (and Skrullmanity and whatever the raccoon is) but good news for my Hulk-size thirst.
The power this has. The tailoring this has. The texture this has!
Okay, so, first of all, let me say that I love photography. Frame this and put it in the MOMA. And by the MOMA, I mean directly above my bed.
Chris Evans really poured all six feet zero inches of himself into these pants that are the texture of an Elvis painting at a thrift store and the color of an Avatar and I am obsessed.
I thought, briefly, that his shoes had a cowhide pattern like Cap was trying to put some Yee in his Haw. I was about to Mapquest directions to the Old Towne Road so we could hang out. But it turns out it's just artfully distressed. The soles of Chris Evans' shoes are worn out because he's been running through my mind all day. IN TEAL PANTS.
Does my vision board contain the words "the Fantastic 4's former Johnny Storm in Elton John pants"? No. It does not. I am not that creative. And yet the universe saw fit to provide it for me anyway. Tell Thanos to stay his hand; there's some good left in this place after all.
It takes some big Infinity Stones to rock a pair of pants like this and it's clear that Chris Evans has them. As it were.
The pants, it seems, are a perfect compliment to the tuxedo jacket Evans wore to Regina King's Oscars.
Let me find out there's a world where Chris Evans can show up to an event in head-to-toe teal velvet! Let! Me! Find! Out!
Pictured below, Jennifer Lopez shows Chris Evans my many thirst tweets about him, inspiring him to completely destroy me with the reveal of his pants.
And here, for no reason other than I am on a roll and courting madness, is a picture of Chris Evans with his equally hot brother Scott at the 2019 Oscars.
Scott is possibly wearing the same tux that Chris wore to the 2018 Oscars, seen below.
Between the matching teal tux and pants and the sibling switch on the blue tux jacket, I'm now imagining that Chris Evans has a huge closet full of mix-and-match-ready items like Cher in Clueless. Every morning he blindly gropes in the darkness, withdrawing items that common sense would tell him never to wear or pair, but which somehow end up looking perfect on his frame thanks to the supernatural power of thirst. Clearly, this calls for an entire big budget film series all about the adventures of Chris Evans getting dressed.
Or, you know, undressed. Whatever he's feeling. I'll leaving the details up to him.
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