The Philip May method: Dos and don'ts of helping your partner when they've had a bad day at work
Whatever your politics, it was hard not to pity Theresa May on a human level yesterday. After delivering a speech that’s been likened to a living anxiety dream - during which a prankster handed her a mock P45 and a cough plagued her performance - it must have been a relief for the Prime Minister when her husband appeared at the end.
Bounding on stage to embrace her, we all felt just a little bit glad that Philip May was there. The bear hug, and his accompanying words of comfort - “You did so brilliantly, you battled through” - were a nice, and necessary, touch.
But it’s not always easy to get it right when your other half has had a nightmare at work. Sometimes, it seems, you can never say the right thing.
Here are the dos and dont’s.
DO: Give them a hug
It won’t resolve their issues with their boss - or, in Mrs May’s case, persuade the electorate/party they really should remain Prime Minister - but physical contact with a loved one increases levels of oxytocin (otherwise known as the love hormone) and can serve as an antidote to low feelings.
A hug from someone you love can thus make you feel that bit more capable of going back out there and facing the music.
DON’T: Overcrowd them
We’re often tempted to badger our partner after a bad day to justify exactly why they’re so down in the dumps.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Why? When?” and so on. Let them know you’re ready to listen once they’re ready to talk, but don’t go full Jeremy Paxman and hound them for answers when what they need is a bit of time to process things.
DO: Help them relax
They may want to talk things over - even at interminable length. But there’s only so much good that raking things over and over all evening can do. Once you’ve heard them out and provided any advice they might seek, try changing the subject.
An episode of whatever box set you’re in the middle of, for instance, works wonders for taking your mind off something. By the morning they’ll be less tired, with a bit of luck, and better able to think things through clearly. That cough might still be hanging around, though.
DON’T: Encourage them to self-medicate with alcohol
Yes, a glass of wine can make everything feel so much better. But when that becomes two, three or more, your partner is only adding to their problems.
In the short term it means they risk waking up the next day with a sore head, on top of everything else. In the long term, they risk developing a reliance on alcohol to lift their mood.
DO: Help them put things in perspective
This might prove tricky for Mr May - “It’s OK, darling, it’s only a silly old conference speech. No-one pays any mind to those anyway. There’ll be other conference speeches...fine, fine, there might not…”
But if the workplace catastrophe in question is less, well, publicly catastrophic, achieving a sense of perspective is easier. Remind your partner that this time next week, all this will likely be water under the bridge. Apply the rule of six: will they really be worried about this in six hours, six days, six weeks or six months? Only if the answer is the latter - which is unlikely in most cases - do you know the situation needs serious attention.
And remember, you’ve still got each other. If all else fails take a leaf out of the Philip May playbook and bear hug it out.
