Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Trump. Idiot.

Cassandra Stone

Trump assures us he’s cognitively ‘all there’ during Fox News interview where he just names 5 things repeatedly

*Rubs temples, sighs deeply* In a new interview on (where else) Fox News, the President of the United States and beloved friend of notorious sex traffickers tries to prove his memory works and that the American people shouldn’t be worried because he can list five nouns in a row. No, really, he apparently passed a physician-guided “test” that just had him say “person, woman, man, camera, TV” over and over again in order. Though, if he really wanted to prove he’s operating with a full deck, he probably should have worn a face mask earlier than, oh, this week.

In an interview with Fox News medical analyst Marc K. Siegel, Trump can be seen insisting that the sample question in a cognitive test he took recently was “difficult.” The question? “Please name these five things in order more than once.” And that he does, Mr. Big Boy himself, a handful of times. That’s right, the President of the United States can list a handful of simple nouns much in the same way a toddler shouts out random things they see during a car ride.

Brace yourself. In two minutes, you’re going to be afraid of your face freezing in a “What the HELL did I just watch” expression.

“Person, woman, man, camera, TV,” Trump explains, bragging that listing those words in order was worth “extra points” in the cognitive test that probably only exists just for him. “They said nobody gets it in order, it’s actually not that easy. But for me it was easy. And that’s not an easy question.”

Trump says he asked former White House physician Ronny Jackson (not this guy) whether there was “some kind of cognitive test” he could take, apparently because his wittle feelings were hurt after hearing most of the country he governs thinks he’s categorically out of his mind. “Because I’ve been hearing about it,” he says. “Because I want to shut these people up. They’re fake news. They’re making up stories.”

During this “test,” Trump says that after several questions the doctor made him repeat the list of words. “And you go, ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV.’ They say, ‘That’s amazing. How did you do that?’ ‘I do it because I have like a good memory? Because I’m cognitively there.”

Just to make sure we’re all on the same page here, let’s go over the current state of affairs in the United States, shall we?

  • The employment crisis is still worse than any time since the Great Depression, with at least 10 million people unemployed compared with pre-pandemic levels.

  • Nearly 4 million positive COVID cases have been reported in the U.S. since March.

  • Over 140,000 people have died from COVID-19 in the U.S. so far, with no end in sight.

  • Police brutality is consistently killing unarmed Black people and protests are still going strong cities nationwide over 50 days after the death of George Floyd.

  • Federal, secret police are terrorizing the city of Portland this week.

  • The inhumane family separation policy is still in effect two years after we first learned about innocent immigrant families and children being kept in unsanitary cages, even though Trump’s administration denies it.

  • The entire country is basically in some form of financial, life-threatening, social justice crisis.

But the President knows how to repeat five words. And again, we all must sit back in exasperation and ask ourselves, “IS THIS REAL LIFE?!!”

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