On this episode of internet trolling, a dad-to-be writes into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column with a major issue: "My wife has really dumb ideas for naming our daughter." The advice-seeker, who goes by "Baby Name Blow-Up," says that he and his wife were elated when they found out they'd be having a girl and decided to give themselves three days of independent baby-name brainstorming before presenting their favorites to the other.
Buckle up, y'all.
"I spent a ton of time on this and even put together a presentation with each name and the reasons I liked them," he wrote. "I chose some important family names and some special names from literature and the arts - all of which I think would be beautiful. My wife showed up with a few names scribbled on the back of a grocery list as if she hardly even cared! Also her ideas were trashy misspelled names like Lauryn and Bethonie and 18th-century presidents' names like Madison, Taylor, and Polk. I was so disappointed in my wife for not taking this seriously, as I feel it is very important. Honestly, this episode has me questioning the foundation of our relationship, let alone raising a child together."
Let's pause and recap. This man not only created a PowerPoint presentation to showcase the names he feels are superior to all others, but he's now convinced that maybe he and his wife not seeing eye-to-eye on this "very important" issue is grounds for divorce.
"Obviously, I can't just leave now because I am committed to the child, but how can my wife and I get past this major red flag in our relationship?" he wrote at the end of his inquiry. "I have tried to discuss it with her and she doesn't even think she has done anything wrong, so we are at a major impasse."
Prudence and the rest of the internet have responded pretty much exactly how you'd expect them to (read: they're trolling him), but me? I think this guy is a troll himself. There's no way the same woman who wants to name her daughter "Lauryn" is also considering the name "Polk."
"I have good news for you, which is that your wife's behavior is not anywhere near the neighborhood of red-flaggery, and after you've recovered from the initial shock conveyed in your letter, I hope you'll agree. It's not even in yellow-flag territory," Prudie responded. She continues, really laying it out for this dad-to-be.
"Most parents-to-be don't develop PowerPoints for possible baby names, and the fact that your wife didn't write an essay for each of her ideas is not an indication that she's going to make a lousy parent or that she's less excited than you about having a child. . . . If you don't like her suggestions, you can say, 'I don't like the name Taylor' without resorting to, 'How disgusting for our child to share her name with someone who only made it a year into his term before dying from drinking too much iced milk.'
I guarantee you that there is at least someone out there who considers your 'special literary names' to be affected and not nearly as unique as you think they are. . . . The takeaway here is not to get attached to the delusion that your taste is objectively good and your wife's taste is objectively bad, about names or anything."
Ahead, see how the rest of the internet reacted to this troll's inquiry (and if he isn't a troll, well, godspeed to him, his wife, and little Bethonie Polk).
- Hans Fiene (@HansFiene) April 13, 2017
honestly, taste level is an underratedly important thing in a relationship but so is not being a psycho who makes PowerPoints for baby names https://t.co/umm0NIGrL3
- Amanda Mull (@amandamull) April 13, 2017
if we live in a just world, the wife is on Twitter and will tell us all his terrible name ideas.
- erin mccann (@mccanner) April 13, 2017
@itsonlyzach That is the most first world problem I've ever heard of. "My wife didn't create a PowerPoint for baby names! Should we divorce?"
- Sophronisba (@Sophronisba) April 13, 2017