For the millionth time, Jennifer Garner is letting everyone know she’s not pregnant
Being a woman on the internet is always a gas, particularly if you’re a famous woman. And Jennifer Garner, bless her, is a famous woman with a perfectly curated and executed Instagram account full of adorable moments and relatable joy. Unfortunately, that also comes with lots of helpings of people asking her if she’s pregnant. Regularly. For no real, discernable reason! And each time, Garner responds with the same answer: her baby factory has permanently shuttered, thank you very much.
In a new Instagram post, Garner shared a couple of pumpkins she carved. “When you and your jack-o’-lantern share a vibe,” the actress captioned. The photo features one large pumpkin, carved to resemble a home, with a tiny little pumpkin inside of it. Naturally, people assumed Garner, who has indicated on several occasions that she does not want more children, was announcing that she was having another child.
You know, because what are we, people who can bear children, if we aren’t bearing children?
A post shared by Jennifer Garner (@jennifer.garner) on Oct 25, 2020 at 12:11pm PDT
“Wait … are you pregnant?” one Instagram user commented on the social media upload, while another asked, “Does this mean there is a little Jennifer [coming]?”
To which Garner responded, “Are you all fucking crazy? Can you get out of my business? My uterus is vacant and will remain so forevermore.”
Just kidding. She answered it sternly, but in a Jennifer Garner way. “STILL NOT HAVING MORE BABIES. Good grief, I didn’t even see it, I just saw matching smiles.”
Just last month, she was asked the same question after posting a video advertising her baby food products, Once Upon A Farm, because a woman’s stomach simply must be carrying human life if the woman’s profile is not the same width and depth of a single slice of looseleaf notebook paper or, better yet, completely hollowed-out like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her after Meryl Streep’s character shoots her with a hunting rifle.
She responded to that comment even more graciously. “I am 48, have three healthy kids, and am not — and never will be — pregnant. We can lay that pupper to rest. Have a [sic] gained the Covid 19? Possibly. But that is another story.”
My family farm is, as the kids say, my organic, biodynamic happy place. I can’t help but feel like the love my Aunt and Uncle put into growing this year’s sweet potato crop will add to @onceuponafarm’s delicious goodness for your kids. But first—meet our lawnmowers: Simon, Pete, Boaz, Pignut, Mistletoe, and Mayapple. 👩🏻🌾🍎🌞🚜♥️
A post shared by Jennifer Garner (@jennifer.garner) on Sep 10, 2020 at 11:57am PDT
So, to finally put this whole thing to bed, JENNIFER GARNER IS NOT PREGNANT. Let the woman post cute Instagram content in peace, people. PLEASE.