Parents, Talk to Your Kids About Porn

When one of my sons was in fourth grade, the mom of one of his close friends called me. “Meet me at the diner,” she said. “We need to talk.”

The two of us met in a corner booth a few hours later, and she got right down to it. She told me that her son told her he’d seen porn at a recent playdate that he and my son had both attended. The teen brother of the kid who was hosting the playdate had porn on his computer, and the kids had briefly seen it. Not intentionally, exactly, but it flashed before their eyes for a second before the teen clicked it away.

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“What are we going to do?” she said, wide-eyed and worried. I was as shocked as she was — not because my son may have seen the porn as well, but because of how young our kids were. I knew he’d see porn at one point or another, but I thought he’d be in middle school, at least.

Still, I also wasn’t too worried, because as much as seeing porn wasn’t something I wanted for my son, I knew he at least knew what it was, and that he’d like to come to me if he had any questions. And I told my friend the same thing. The fact that her son had come to her to tell her what he’d seen was huge, and meant that he trusted her.

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Later that day, I asked my son if he’d seen the porn too, and he said he hadn’t. But the incident ended up being a good opportunity for us to continue our discussion about the birds and the bees — and yes, about porn, too. Because nowadays, it’s not enough to give your kids some basic information about sex and puberty and all that. You need to have the “porn talk” with your kids as well.

Apparently, my friend’s son was not an anomaly. These days, kids are being exposed to porn at earlier and earlier ages. According to a January 2023 poll from Common Sense Media, about 75% of teens will have seen online porn by the time they are 17, and many saw it for the first time at young ages. About 15% of those polled had seen online porn by the time they were 10 years old. Of the teens surveyed, 44% reported seeing porn intentionally, and even more (58%) reported being exposed accidentally.

Yes, installing safety features and filters on your child’s devices is a smart and recommended idea, but the fact is, porn is everywhere — and as evidenced from my own experience, kids can be exposed to it unintentionally and by accident. That’s why experts agree that talking to kids about porn is an important part of raising children in this day and age.

Still, many parents simply aren’t having “the porn talk” with their kids. According to that same Common Sense Media poll, under half of the teens polled shared that their parents had talked to them about porn in the past. I think many parents find the subject embarrassing themselves, which I completely get! And many parents worry that talking to their child about it will encourage them to seek out porn, or look at it more frequently. But trust me: you aren’t planting the idea in their heads.

Experts agree that talking to teens about porn has more advantages than risks. As Common Sense Media notes, one of the main benefits of doing so is simply making the subject less taboo. If your teen knows that you are someone they can trust to discuss porn with, they are more likely to come to you if there is an issue — including if they encounter porn that disturbs them, or if they feel that their porn consumption is out of control.

For me, one of the main reasons I wanted to talk to my kids about porn is to share with them the information that the sex depicted in porn isn’t that similar to sex in real life. I also wanted to emphasize the importance of consent during sex, since porn rarely leans on the idea of sexual consent. But I also wanted to tell my kids that if they end up viewing porn when they are older, it’s okay. I wanted them to understand that there is a place for porn in a healthy sex life, but that it has to be consumed in a measured way, and with discretion.

Those are some of the points I emphasized in my own “porn talk” with my kids over the years, but I also don’t think there’s one “right way” to approach this with your kids. The main idea is that you tell them it exists, what it is, how they might see it, and that it is not appropriate for children. You should also emphasize that they can tell you if they’ve seen it and if they have any questions. That’s probably the most important thing.

Besides that, just listen and let them ask questions. Kids have a lot of healthy questions and concerns about porn, and sharing those feelings in a safe place is so good for kids. Having this kind of open conversation and acceptance of their questions extends beyond the porn talk too — it will allow your kids to come to you in the future with similarly awkward questions about sex, puberty, and any sexual/romantic feelings that emerge.

One last thing: I definitely recommend you have the porn talk with your kids as early as possible. This is not only because they will likely encounter porn earlier than you expect them to, but because if you wait until they are full fledged teenagers, they will absolutely not want to talk about porn with their parents. Sigh. Trust me on this. Again, if you are feeling awkward about this all, that’s normal. You don’t have to go this alone: there are great resources at Common Sense Media. You can ask your pediatrician or a child therapist for advice. You can ask a trusted parent friend for how they went about it. But the bottom line is that you can’t neglect this one, as much as you might desperately want to.

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