They don’t tell you how it will feel when you are no longer going to be called “mom,” how to stop the instinct of caressing your stomach or even how to tell others of the loss you are now forced to face. They will tell you to have hope and that you are truly a mom, but you may not fathom these truths while smothered by pain.
Because the life that you had envisioned is no longer a truth, but rather a diminishing spark. And you are left to wonder how many more truths will dim to sparks and disappear from your heart. And before you know it your world is no longer light, but dark.
And your heart that was expanding for that little baby inside, is now trying to find a place for all that extra love to now reside. And because mothers are so selfless, they’ll look everywhere, but inside. And they’ll freely give all that extra love to a person outside of themselves that, too, is scared to shine.
But it’s OK for that love to go inward. Into that little heart inside. No longer only to your womb, but to the beautiful being that you see in your own eyes. Send that love to your aching heart, in the hopes that one day soon you too will shine. Because the love you gave so freely to that little baby inside, can now go to you, another little child that lives inside.
Whose dreams were just shattered in the blink of an eye. So send that love to your healing heart and just let yourself shine. Through all the tears and fears and cries. Because that little baby still loves you even if from the sky. And they want to see you smile even if you are scared to shine. Because the mother that they knew, although for a short period of time, was the one who smiled daily and believed all the stars would shine.
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So let your grief wash over you and get lost in its waves, because the sun is always shining even if the days are grey. And know you’ll return back home in the coming days and you’ll no longer feel darkened by the grief that haunted your ways. And you’ll finally reach that point where you won’t ache for better days, but you’ll smile fondly on that moment where you became a mother and said, “I will love you unconditionally until the rest of my days.”
Because you’ll know that little baby gave you more than just a name, but the courage to finally include yourself in that promise you made to that little baby that was once growing day by day.