How to Not Lose It All in the Divorce
Out of all the curveballs life throws you, getting a divorce is one of the hardest. When you got married, you thought your relationship would last forever, and you probably couldn't imagine your life without that special someone. Now, you can not only imagine your life without them; you also think your life would be better if they were no longer in it.
Still, that doesn't make it easy to get a divorce, even if you know it's the right decision. In fact, many people process divorce the same way they process the death of a loved one. "With this painful process can come a roller-coaster of emotions that are like the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, letting go and acceptance," says Jennie Marie Battistin, LMFT and founding director of Hope Therapy Center Inc. Marriage and Family Counseling. "The challenge, in this case, is knowing your soon to be ex is alive and you still have to interact.”
Besides the emotional toll, divorce can also come with a hefty price tag and complicated paperwork. And you have to communicate with your soon-to-be-ex throughout the whole ordeal.
Since getting a divorce can be distressing and soul-crushing, we reached out to Scott C. Trout, managing partner and CEO of Cordell & Cordell, a law firm that specializes in divorce, to learn how to get a divorce as seamlessly as possible. Of course, every divorce is different, which is why we recommend consulting with a divorce attorney to learn which route is best for your specific situation. Nevertheless, here are a few key things to know about how to get a divorce.
What is the first step to getting a divorce?
Some couples go for counseling before they turn to divorce; others do a trial separation to see if it's what they really want, Trout says. However you ended up deciding to end your marriage, the first step of getting a divorce is filing for one with a court. (An attorney typically draws up the necessary documents for the person seeking the divorce.)
The following things will help protect you before filing for a divorce, according to Trout:
You want to make sure your bank accounts are in order so your soon to be ex-spouse isn't able to take all of the money.
You should also decide on which items you'd like to keep.
If there are children involved, you also may want to formulate a plan on what type of custody you want. If you're seeking full custody, "It may be advantageous to have your spouse leave the home," he says.
How long does the divorce process take?
It depends. Divorces can take two months or two years. If you're fighting your spouse over issues like child custody, child support, and property division, the process will take much longer than in "uncontested" cases, Trout says.
How much does a divorce cost?
It is very difficult to predict the cost of a divorce. It all depends on the issues involved and how your soon to be ex-partner responds. "However, the more contested issues (i.e., custody, property valuations, fitness of a parent) that arise will add to the cost of the divorce," Trout says.
Still, you can usually expect to see a lot of upfront cost: "At the onset of a case, typically, fees will be quite expensive with getting the initial pleadings (petitions and answers) filed and working on getting temporary orders (dealing with possession and access to children, property issues and financials) issued."
How can you minimize divorce fees?
Keep attorney fees low (or nonexistent)
"Since most attorneys bill by the hour, every interaction with a lawyer once retained will be on the clock," says Trout. Every phone call and email response will be logged, and you will be charged for it. That's why you want to be as succinct as possible when communicating with your attorney.
Some people going through a divorce decide to represent themselves to save money on attorney fees. "This method can be successful if the split is completely amicable and there are no disagreements, but it is still wise to hire skilled experts to assist with reviewing the documents," says Trout.
Resolve issues outside of court
"Litigation is expensive. Spouses need to work together to resolve various issues to avoid massive legal fees from piling up, as attorneys will be racking up hours in preparation for trial," Trout says.
Utilize alternative dispute resolution methods
If your partner is open to the idea, try using mediator. "Mediation can be a very effective approach for achieving fair solutions on even hotly contested issues," says Trout. However, you will still have to pay the mediator by the hour, but that will cost you a lot less than taking your issues before a judge.
How does a court decide on child custody?
If you've ever watched any court TV, you've likely heard the phrase “best interests of the child.”
While each state defines a child's best interest differently, there are certain common factors that determine how custody arrangements work out. According to Trout, these include: the love, affection, and other emotional ties existing between the parties involved and the child; the capacity to give the child necessary resources, including food, clothing, and medical care; the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment; the moral fitness of the parties involved; and the mental and physical health of the parties involved.
What are some big mistakes men make when facing a divorce?
1. Moving out
"In custody contests, the continued daily interaction with your children and intimate awareness of the details of their day is key," says Trout, who adds that you shouldn't move out of the house if you're hoping to have some form of custody with your children.
2. Waiting for your partner to file
Event though judges should not being doing this, Trout has noticed that judges are prone to give a lot of weight to the story they hear first.
3. Concealing information from your lawyer
It's necessary to tell your lawyer everything, Trout says. Otherwise, your partner may bring up something in court that could hurt your case, and your lawyer won't be prepared for it!
4. Revealing too much on the internet
"The web is the worst place to keep a secret," says Trout. "And anything can be subject to misinterpretation." That means no going on Facebook and ranting about how much your partner is screwing you over—their lawyer could end up using your screed against you.
5. Being ill-prepared for testimony and interviews
"Don't avoid preparing to testify or be interviewed just because you're nervous or uncomfortable or don't want to think about it," adds Trout. Like any important milestone, where the outcome can change the rest of your life, you should thoroughly prepare.
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