No, there's no such thing as "ethically sourced" cocaine

·2 min read
We sure some people won’t mind, either way.
We sure some people won’t mind, either way.

Cocaine’s brand image has suffered in recent years. Despite past celebrity (and clerical) endorsements of it being a “helluva drug,” there’s no escaping the fact that it’s also incredibly problematic on, like, every imaginable level. There’s essentially no phase of its production that isn’t soaked in blood, conflict, and generations’ worth of racist colonialism. The providers of coke are well aware of this, too, which is probably why many are apparently attempting to rebrand the drug’s image for their 21st-century, “socially conscious” clientele.

Everyone, say hello to “Woke Coke!”

Read more

“Brits looking to ease their conscience over their involvement in bloody drug wars overseas are now being targeted by cynical dealers selling what they claim is ‘ethically sourced’ cocaine,” details a new report from the New Zealand Herald. The report explains that recent attendees of “posh dinner parties” have been apparently jonesing for free range nose candy, which their dealers are happy to provide. And by “provide,” we mean just straight-up lying about how no lives were ruined in the making of that dime-bag they’re about to snort off a cosmetic mirror.

“The trade inevitably involves bloodshed, the destabilisation of communities and an appalling cycle of violence. If demand goes up, so does production and the cycle of destruction continues,” a Colombian aid worker, Bibiana Villota, reminds everyone before summing it up nicely with, “What you call fair trade cocaine is only going to bring more greed and bloodshed.”

“Woke Coke” is currently setting Brits back around £200 ($435 USD) a gram, which is about as absurd as the amount of crushing privilege-guilt it must take for someone to convince themselves that there’s such a thing as morally passable cocaine. So yeah, just a friendly reminder that, no, there’s no such thing as ethically sourced coke. Do with that information as you will.

Of course, we will neither condone nor disapprove of one’s drug usage. That isn’t for us to decide for anyone... unless they’re part of Eurovision, in which case, by all means: Do all the drugs.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com