Love Island final, review: Dani Dyer and Jack Fincham triumphant - and even pass final test

Love Island ended on Monday night, in a state of denial about what it is, and who it has hurt. There were multiple montages from the last eight weeks, so you could see who had been hurt, and who fell out of the villa with a suitcase. I am still slightly haunted by Kendall, who was so innocent Love Island felt like her nemesis, long before it felt like mine. And there was Georgia, and Samira. Neither deserved what Love Island gave them but who cares?   

Caroline Flack, hosting a ghastly party in the ghastly villa in a golden fringed dress, tried to make it seem fun, even if it was a thin show – only four couples left! – over 90 minutes, designed to win optimum advertising revenue. Surely, she has a heart of glass.

Before we get on to the winners, a few other things that Love Island has done: teeth-whitening is up by 10%, according to an advert placed in front of my eyes by an algorithm and Thorpe Park in Surrey has a Love Island attraction, in which people can pretend they are on Love Island and “enjoy cocktails themed around Love Island quotes”. I didn’t know there were any Love Island quotes, except Samira saying she has a heart of stone and Dani saying she wasn’t allowed to be happy. 

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The show opened with preparations for a ball: shopping for dresses – they were all blinding colours because they look good on TV – and learning to dance as if in a very sexualized fairy tale. At the ball – a very small ball, in fact a tiny ball – they read vows out to each other, because Love Island settled before it died and there was no pain left. It has been squeezed out, and only the survivors – the tough, the pure and the lucky - remained. 

Laura told Paul, “I truly fancy you more and more each day”. Megan told Wes, “I am beyond excited to live with you”. Dani told Jack she can’t wait, “to move in with you and have a family someday”. Josh told Kazimir something close to, “My door is always slightly ajar. It takes someone special to open it. You blew the doors off”. “That was Oscar winning,” said Dani Dyer.

The count-down was agonising, but soon they were sitting beside Caroline Flack on a sofa as a LIVE banner glowed on the screen. They looked delighted and sun-burnt. We had to endure more montages – all of which we had seen before, but advertisers had to sell us paint, new bodies, and hair. I have called Love Island a casting couch and prostitution with an emotional element. But it is really salesmanship, and that is why Jack, the pen-seller, and his beloved Dani Dyer – won.

Megan and Wes were fourth. I want to believe that Megan is very insecure – Love Island has made divining her my business - and Wes will ballast her, but I have been watching Love Island for eight weeks and I need to believe in something. Then it was Kazimir and Josh in third place. They seem happy, but I don’t know if they will stay that way and it isn’t my business anymore. Then Carline Flack interviewed Laura.  “You were dumped twice, how do you cope with that?” she asked, in the manner of a woman who had never been dumped. “I dunno,” said Laura. And then Flack announced the winners of Love Island 2018, after an irritating pause. “The winners of Love Island 2018 are,” – pause for big space, - “Dani and Jack!”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Dani.

“I’m speechless,” said Jack.

There was a final piece of malice, but it bounced off uselessly.  “You spent the whole summer having your relationship tested,” said Flack, before presenting a final test. The implication is that Love Island exists for their benefit. That is not true. It exists for the benefit of tooth whitening salesmen, breast surgeons, and Superdrug.

The winners are supposed to share £50,000. Instead Jack and Dani were handed two golden envelopes. One contained £50,000 written in numerals. (It was not an actual cheque). The another contained nothing. The person who received the £50,000, said Flack, did not have to share it. Call it late term betrayal, and it didn’t work.  “I’ll share it!” shouted Jack, who had £50,000 written on a golden card, and who doesn’t need tooth whitening anyway. It was worth a try.