Science Says It Takes About This Long To Get Over An Ex
If I could ask a genie for just one liiiiittle thing, it would be for a one-size-fits-all amount of time to get over someone after a breakup. Because not knowing how long all those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad feelings that come after your heart got shattered and stomped on will last is straight-up agony. So, how long does it take to get over someone?
Research suggests you can get over someone in three to six months, longer for a marriage. Sex and the City's Charlotte York famously said it takes half the time of a relationship's duration to get over that person (as in, a two-year relationship would take a full year to bounce back from). Other people (ahem, Jordin Sparks) say it takes a matter of weeks, if you force yourself to fully grieve for that amount of time and only that amount of time.
Alas, sadly genies don't exist (but neither does Charlotte York, amirite?) and the reality is, there is no single timeline for how long it takes to stop being hung up on someone and feel happy again.
And while that sucks, that also means that you do have power over how long it takes you to get over someone. Here, the 6 things you must know in order to move on from an ex:
1. It can take anywhere from a few weeks to several years to get over a serious relationship.
I know, I know. What. A. Range. But this broad timeline is actually backed by findings and experts, and in many cases, the shorter end of the agony spectrum wins (thank G).
In one 2007 study, the majority of participants said they felt better after just three months. Meanwhile, folks who answered a 2017 survey said it took closer to six months. For getting over someone after a divorce, that timeline inched closed to a year and a half, per a 2009 study, but that's not that long, relatively speaking (at least, IMO).
"It can take anywhere from six weeks to three months to forever, depending on how intense the relationship was, how invested you were in each other, and how heartbroken you are," says Jane Greer, PhD, New York-based marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me? (Those three factors all sort of piggyback on each other.)
"On the other hand, if you’re just dating someone casually and you’re not really that into the relationship, you can get over them in less than a week."
In short, that means there's no mathematical formula to go off of (sorry, Charlotte)...but who likes math, anyway?
"It only took me about a week to get over my last ex. We got to the point where we had nothing in common anymore—and we barely saw each other. For the last three months of the relationship, I knew it was fizzling out and that I should end it, so I didn't feel that bad when I broke things off. Plus, I jumped into a relationship with my current boyfriend (whom I've now been with for over six years) about two weeks after my breakup. So that definitely sped-up the process of getting over my ex." —Christina H.
2. The more emotionally attached you were, the longer the healing process might be.
This is true even if you were only together for a short time.
"If you attach deeply and intensely, you are not equipped to deal with separation and loss," Greer explains. (Think: Three weeks into dating, you started sleeping in their T-shirt. Now, two months post-split, you're still wearing it.)
Your heightened sense of attachment and sensitivity can leave you feeling devastated, lower your self-esteem, and leave you longing for your ex for quite a while, Greer says.
What's more, when you're very attached to someone, the relationship you had was probably a key part of your identity, says Gary Lewandowski, PhD, a psychology professor at Monmouth University who delivered the TED Talk, "Breakups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken." So now that the relationship has ended, you might feel like you lost a piece of yourself too.
That's something you won't bounce back from overnight (though trust me, at some point, you WILL).
On the other hand, if you’re more adept at adapting to change and letting go, you'll likely be able to carry on with your life, rebuild, and bring in new activities and relationships more quickly, Greer explains.
"It takes me a while to get over anyone, mostly because of texting and social media. My last ex and I stayed in touch on and off for a year after we broke up. But I learned that I needed to keep busy in order to cut ties to him. I went out to bars on weeknights instead of staying in, binge watched new shows, and I eventually just stopped thinking about him." —Alissa K.
3. Self-care can help speed up the healing process.
Just as there's no universal timeline, there's no one-size-fits-all way to moving into the grieving fast lane. (Again, really sorry.) There are, however, a few helpful tricks that can help you at least rev the engine a bit.
Before you do that, though, you need to know—and continue to remind yourself—that everyone deals with loss differently (and yes, a breakup is a loss). Understanding this fact will make the process of getting over an ex easier, Greer says. That's because it teaches you to accept your feelings, not judge them, so that you can move on from them when you're ready.
Beyond that, the secret to owning and repairing your broken heart is doing whatever it takes to do so—and by focusing on whatever it is that makes you feel good.
The first step in that is surrounding yourself with people who both make you feel valued and give you valuable feedback—you know, helping you see your good traits when you inevitably start beating yourself up for the breakup (hey, it happens). And use this time to focus on yourself—not an S.O. who, for whatever reason, wasn't a good match for you.
Go to yoga, read some books, plan that adventure you were holding off on because they couldn't afford it, and just do you, girl.
4. A "new" identity can help you feel good too.
Those bangs you've been wanting but knew your then-partner wouldn't like? Tell your hairstylist to go for it. That cool ear or nipple piercing you've been bookmarking on IG? Adorn yourself, babe.
Getting a makeover, changing your style, or doing something similar to revamp your identity (even just physically, at first) will help you fill the emptiness and break free of being defined by the relationship or what once was, Greer says.
This can be especially freeing—not to mention, empowering!—if you just released yourself from a toxic relationship, btw.
"After going through several years of ups and downs with a guy I met in high school, we ended things in our mid-20s. At first, I was devastated because we had so many memories from different phases of our lives, and it took me almost a year to shake the sad feelings. What helped me the most was remembering that even though I was sad, I still had the same great family, friends, and job I had before the relationship and the breakup. It was also pretty satisfying to remove the guy as a friend on Facebook." —Rose W.
5. Keeping yourself busy can also help reduce the time to heal.
One word to focus on when you're trying to get over someone: replacement. As in, replacing your ex with a new person (more on that later in a minute), activity, or experience. According to Greer, the R word is the "most effective way to deal with loss."
Sign up for a dance class, start going to the gym, hit up book readings, go to concerts, take a cooking class—all of which will, again, help you build a new identity (sans ex) and fill the time that was once spent with your former mate doing something you enjoy. Plus, these types of activities aren't typically done solo, so you're also putting yourself in a good position to feel less alone.
"It took me eight months to get over my ex. For six months after the split, I was depressed and discouraged about finding anyone ever again. I ended up reading the book Become Your Own Matchmaker, by Patti Stanger, which gave me a new perspective on dating. I realized that my previous relationship wasn't meant to be and that finding the right guy could take time. So, I focused on improving my life for myself, not some guy. I took a break from dating and filled my life with things like spending time with friends, working out, and planning a big move—I met Mr. Right a month later." –Julie D.
Another clutch helper? Reignite past passions that you might've stopped doing or pushed aside to make room for your former S.O. Lewandowski's research has shown that pursuing dormant interests can be a more effective coping mechanism than trying new things, since there’s no guarantee you’ll actually enjoy those new activities or really incorporate them into your identity.
6. Dating can help...but beware of any patterns.
Now, about that "replacing with a new person" thing, it's not a bad idea, says Greer, as long as you do your best not to compare him/her to your ex. Doing so can keep you trapped in the past, making it that much harder to get over the very person whom you're trying to leave behind.
Instead, look at a new prospect as "a separate person who has new interests and excitement to bring into your life," Greer suggests. And of course, if you notice that you're constantly jumping from relationship to relationship, you may want to talk through your pattern with a pro. There's nothing wrong with flying solo!
7. Move on at your own pace.
While you certainly want to do everything you can to help yourself move on from a hurtful person or relationship, you have to feel the feels to truly do so.
Try to keep in mind that the healing process is called a process for a reason—for serious relationships (or even marriages), it often happens in steps and layers. So give yourself a break and don't force it...otherwise, buried feelings might come back to bite you (and a new romantic partner) in the ass, later.
Accept what you feel as it comes, but whenever you feel down or hopeless, try to think positive about all the greatness that's yet to come.
It may not be the same as a genie, but an optimistic mindset is the best thing you can possibly have to get over an ex. And that's something you have power over...you just have to tap into it.
"It took me just over a year to move on from a guy I dated. The first few months after the breakup, I thought it would be impossible to look at anyone else how I looked at him. But when I started to date again, I realized I could feel attracted to other guys. By the time February rolled around again, I was totally over him." —Megan S.
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