So...even though not a single one of the 7 billion human beings on Earth asked for it, the Cats trailer has officially dropped. It is one of the most horrifying things I have ever witnessed in my entire life, and I am speaking as a person who once innocently googled the phrase “rat king.” (Don’t do that, BTW.) If you haven’t seen it yet...here you go.
I am completely unsure how to process the most baffling 2 minutes and 23 seconds of my life, so I’m just going to start asking questions. I don’t even know if I want answers to these yet, so if you don’t mind, I would really appreciate being left alone at this confusing time in my life.
1. Is this...real fur?
I mean, obviously I understand that this is not literal fur. PETA would have ended this entire production if it even caught wind of something like that. But, like...did James Corden and Jennifer Hudson literally sit in hair and makeup for hours to be covered in this mystery floofy material? Or is it all CGI?
2. What is the tail situation?
Did everyone have to wear strap-on tails? If so, did it get sexual? (And...if it did get sexual...was there purring? I wish I could say I’m sorry for this, but I am not.) If these tails weren’t part of a physical costume...is it the work of CGI? I mean, in addition to being the obvious work of the devil, that is.
3. What is Cats even ABOUT?
I have watched the trailer and I’m still not totally sure. Yes, I know that I can just google this one...but Wikipedia’s answer cleared up ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Here it is, if you care to try to crack the code: “Every year, a tribe of cats known as the Jellicle Cats meet for the Jellicle Ball. At the Jellicle Ball, Old Deuteronomy, the leader of the tribe, chooses one cat to ascend to the Heaviside layer to be reborn and return to a new life.”
WHAT EVEN IS A JELLICLE?
4. Why do they have HUMAN noses?
One of the cutest things about cats IRL is their little pink noses. In Cats, these creatures all have HUMAN NOSES. This is definitely one of the leading reasons why this is the most terrifying shit I’ve ever seen.
5. If you’re a cat with human hands, do you still land on your feet?
Guys...these cats literally have 10 fingers with opposable thumbs. Is the quality of life for a cat even worth it if they cannot scratch posts and jump off elevated surfaces without rolling a wrist? This is inhumane at best.
5. What’s the litter-box situation?
Look, I promise I won’t dive too far into this horrifying concept, but...if the cats are, like, some freaky hybrid of a human and a feline...how do they relieve themselves? Surely, they can’t sit on a toilet or else they’d dunk their tails in. But somehow, that’s still considerably less disgusting to imagine than litter boxes? I’m going to be thinking about this for years. P.S. I also have questions about these cats being in heat, but I do not have the energy to get into that right now.
6. Why don’t the cats have enough breasts?
Okay, so, the cats have boobs. Which...is a choice.
But why didn’t they get enough boobs?
If the CATS producers had any guts, they would have given all the female cats SIX breasts.— Peter Sagal (@petersagal) July 18, 2019
7. Do you think their vocal warm-ups included coughing up hair balls?
This is a valid question! Pop stars are always complaining about the dietary restrictions they have to keep their vocal chords in tip-top shape. Do the producers of Cats really expect us to believe that these felines can spend all day licking their furry legs and then belt out a ballad?
8. Do real cats think they sound like this when they’re meowing?
I know this question isn’t necessarily about the movie, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
9. Are they aware that some of them are wearing clothes and some are not?
Here, we have a seemingly naked Taylor Swift cat rocking only kitten heels.
🗣🗣🗣 THE TAYLOR SWIFT CAT IS WEARING A KITTEN HEEL pic.twitter.com/4dVDuwollk— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) July 18, 2019
But HERE, we have Judi Dench cat wearing a fur coat. Which raises, like, a bajillion more questions.
So she’s wearing a fur coat presumably made of cat fur? Whose fur is it? Did she kill them? Does she taunt their loved ones by wearing their skin? pic.twitter.com/Wl092HH0IS— Josh Forward 🌈 (@JoshFo) July 18, 2019
10. Who is this movie actually for?
It seems like maybe a movie about singing cats should be for children...but I honestly cannot think of a single demographic that would not be absolutely terrified of this. I can say with certainty that I will not be ready to see Cats at any point in my life.
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