Let's try and top "Mindfreak" Criss Angel's new restaurant name, which he inexplicably titled "Cablp"

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Criss Angel and Oprah Winfrey
Criss Angel and Oprah Winfrey

Go ahead, try and say the name of “Mindfreak” Criss Angel’s new restaurant concept, “Cablp.” Is it pronounced “cab-el-puh” or “kay-be-el-puh”? Either way, you’re ending with an “el-puh,” which we assume is supposed to enchant you into order a “Cablt.” For the record, it’s pronounced “Ca-blip,” the worst of all worlds. The fast-casual restaurant “Cablp” (we’re just going to keep saying it until it makes sense) is an initialism (not to be confused with an acronym because “cablp” isn’t a word) that stands for “Criss Angel Breakfast Lunch and Pizza.” Oh, to live in Angel’s world without having to bend to the rules of physics or linguistics.

Per Eater, Angel’s eatery is the result of his $280,000 purchase of SUGARS Home Plate in Overton, Nevada, some 60 miles outside of Las Vegas. SUGARS opened in 1991, and it must’ve hurt to hear that your restaurant of 30 years was being turned into something that sounds like someone hacking sand out of the back of their throat. Still, bad, terrible, no-good name aside, the restaurant is for a good cause, inspired by his 7-year-0ld son, who was diagnosed with leukemia five years ago. “My family and I fell in love with the area when we took our son, Johnny Crisstopher, dirt biking nearby,” Angel said in a press release. “The more time we spent there, the more we got to know the town and the amazing people. When the opportunity came to invest in the community with this restaurant, we jumped at it.” Angel will use the space as a magic room, where he and his friends will perform, while Cablp will also participate in a youth job program and a free meal outreach program to feed families in need and families of pediatric cancer patients. That more than makes up for naming the place “Cablp.”

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Cablp will serve American comfort food, from breakfast to pizza, as the name implies. Angel also promises a vodka cocktail called the “Mindfreeze” (which, honestly, just call the place “Mindfreeze”) and 100 flavors of Italian ice (again, “Mindfreeze” is right there).

This all begs the question, A.V. Club, can we top the name “Cablp”? Getting the obvious ones out of the way “Mindfood,” “FoodFreak,” and, my personal favorite, “Ruth’s Criss Steakhouse.” What do you think would make for a better name than “Cablp”? Maybe something simple like “C.A.B.L.P.” or “Cablap”? The world is our oyster—just not one served at Cablp because I don’t think they serve those.