Let's Talk About Premature Ejaculation, Shall We?


It doesn’t have to be awkward. (Photo: John Dolan)

Missy Elliott said it best: “I don’t want no minute man.” Fortunately, if your guy is trigger happy, there are ways to improve his performance and make your sex life more enjoyable because (let’s not be afraid to say it) we need more time! Here, doctors and experts offer their advice:

First of all, what is “premature”?
“For one person it’s two minutes, for another person, 20. It depends entirely on the person or couple and what satisfies them. We usually say ‘ejaculating before you want to,’” explained Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. Daniel Watter, Ed.D., of the Morris Psychological Group echoed that subjective assessment, saying there’s no “normal” time limit, but if you were to quantify it, he considers less than two minutes to be premature (um, yeah, we’ll say!). “Probably the most important criteria [is] it needs to present itself as a problem. Because if it doesn’t bother the patient and/or his partner, then it isn’t a problem,” added urologist Eric Rottenberg, M.D.

What causes it?
There are no clear answers as to why it happens, and, yes, it could simply be that he’s super attracted to you and lacks self-control. Other theories range from the biological to the psychological, including neuro-chemical causes, urological problems such as inflammation and erectile dysfunction, thyroid disorders, hormonal imbalances, and anxiety and its influence on the nervous system, Dr. Rottenberg explained. Men also experience different levels of sensitivity (similar to a person being more reactive to hot or cold temperatures), which would affect their ejaculation, Watter added. Plus, there’s the “he’s masturbated so fast his entire life that he taught himself to come too fast” school of thought, Queen said, which means the man may be able to retrain himself to last longer.

Related: 10 Ways to Seduce Your Man in Seconds

How serious is the problem?
If your guy has always experienced premature ejaculation, then it’s most likely his natural physical response, Watter said. But if it’s a sudden change in behavior, then it could be due to emotional stress or a medical problem such as a prostate infection, and he should consult a doctor. “Some [men] need to learn how to relax—cognitive behavioral therapy can help—and others need to work out feelings of guilt and shame that they associate with sex. Others need to address core sources of anxiety and can benefit from talk therapy,” added Astroglide’s resident sexologist Dr. Jess.

So, most important, how can you help your guy last longer?
Many fellas believe they need to think about something else (baseball, anyone?) and distract themselves from being so turned on, “but sexologists want them to become more tuned in to the signals both the body and mind are sending,” Queen explained. Fortunately, it’s a skill that can be learned and developed through behavioral exercises, individually or with a partner, Watter said. Lots of doctors suggest men practice the “squeeze technique,” which involves reaching the point when ejaculation is almost inevitable, and then giving the head of the penis (where it meets the shaft) a squeeze; it physically distracts him from the urge to ejaculate, Queen explained. Another option is the stop-and-start method—the man stops before reaching climax and rests for 30 seconds to one minute (kinda like HIIT for his penis) before continuing. Ideally, it will take longer and longer for him to get to that point of no return.

But some men might need a different kind of training all together. “[If] when his erection is gone, sex is over, that is a problem,” Queen warned. Remind him about foreplay and afterplay, but especially foreplay: “[In this case, the woman] would not come no matter how long he lasted because intercourse commenced before she was aroused enough,” Queen explains. So if your guy is quick to jump to the main event, tell him to slow down. “94 percent of women are orgasmic, but only 25 percent are orgasmic during intercourse,” Watter explained. So, regardless of your man’s endurance, oral sex and foreplay should to be part of his bedroom repertoire.

Related: 10 Things He’s Thinking When You’re Naked

What about sex positions?
Many men find that a flat missionary (the woman lies on her back, the man lies on top) can help them to last longer (just don’t lift your hips or legs into the air), Dr. Jess explained. Others find that “the Snake” (the woman lies flat on her stomach with her legs together) may prolong intercourse, as it is more difficult to reach a deeper level of penetration in this position, she added. The woman-on-top position also works because grinding against him (as opposed to thrusting) can help him slow his pace while speeding up your own odds.

That’s all doable, right? In your experience, do you find that men finish prematurely out of excitement, selfishness, or just something they can’t control?

By Michele Laufik

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