For the Last Freakin’ Time, Please Just Reschedule Your Wedding

Julie Vadnal
·4 mins read
Photo credit: Katie Buckleitner - Getty Images
Photo credit: Katie Buckleitner - Getty Images

From Cosmopolitan

The first time I saw a wedding on Insta Stories this summer, I assumed it was an anniversary #tbt. Then I noticed a pic of a pretty calligraphy sign, hung above a basket of disposable masks, encouraging guests to cover their faces before hitting the indoor dance floor. Not that anyone wore one in any of the reception photos—or seemingly at any other point during the day. The 12 bridesmaids, in matching floral bathrobes, definitely weren’t abiding by social distancing rules. But it wasn’t until I saw a cute little grandma in a sea of unmasked millennials that I started muttering profanities at my phone. Because how was this even happening?

Since June, many more nuptial affairs have appeared in my feed, some giant, some indoors, some slightly safer-looking, all totally not okay. Clearly there is something engaged folks need to hear that their maids of honor, groomsmen, and future mothers-in-law are afraid to tell them. Let me do the honors: I know you want to party like it’s 2019. But you need to postpone your wedding.

Look, I get it. This was supposed to be The Most Important Day of your life. You found the ideal partner and the chicest venue and convinced a string quartet to learn Justin Bieber’s “Perfect” to accompany your walk down the aisle. But—and I hope this is not news to you—we are still in the midst of a terrifying pandemic that does not care about your floral deposit. And your 300-plus person Wisconsin dairy farm soirée still on the books for September? Well, it really puts a new spin on that whole “till death do us part” thing.

True story: A photographer told me she showed up to a hotel to take “getting ready” pics of the bride and there were 25 friends in the suite, not one of them wearing a mask. Another person in the wedding planning business told me that one bride’s maybe corona-positive sister showed up at the ceremony.

Which okay, I know you would never. But even if you are doing your very best to be responsible, there are just way too many variables at play to make a big wedding safe. Including: How do you know if your guests have been quarantining? Are you sure Aunt Sue isn’t an anti-masker? What happens when the champagne starts flowing? And do you really want to expose your beloved wedding planner or the catering crew to coronavirus, not to mention everyone you know and love who RSVPed “yes” before gatherings of large groups were banned just because you always imagined getting married against a backdrop of the beach, specifically in the year 2020?

If all this sounds stressful, that’s because it’s a logistical nightmare no one, including you and your spouse-to-be, really wants or needs. Furthermore, by going forward with your ceremony, rain or shine (in this case, rain equals incurable virus that’s killed 180,000 Americans and counting), you’re putting your guests in a horrible, unfair position: either miss your wedding or risk their health to be there.

But there is good news. You can, in fact, still get married to the love of your life right now and without creating a new COVID-19 hot spot. Elope and throw a party later! Or broadcast your ceremony-for-two over Zoom. If you must have an in-person gathering, keep it intimate (as in actually intimate, not 150 of your “closest” fam and friends) and demand everyone wear masks. I know a couple who partied solo with a photographer in their apartment after exchanging vows on the roof and then broadcast the whole thing all over the interwebs. They’re planning to have a bigger party later—when it’s safe to hug people again.

Frankly, that sounds more fun anyway. Because who among us actually wants to wonder while posing for family portraits, Am I going to get my parents sick by standing this close? Also, reminder: You’re not immune to this thing either, and the ICU is not exactly a desirable honeymoon destination.

But if you’re cool with taking that risk, all in the name of love, well, please don’t invite me. Just believe that I’ll be judging you from a safe distance—via Instagram.

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