Here’s the thing about parenting advice: you have to be careful who you take it from. If you came across, say, a mom like Marge Simpson, you could learn a thing or two about warmth, love, and helping your children thrive. You can also pick up some awesome tips on how to style your hair to make it stand a solid three feet on top of your head.
You could also run the risk of getting some awful, no-good tips on parenting from a father like Homer Simpson. If he wasn’t a beloved buffoon and cartoon character, we would definitely call the authorities on him. It’s actually thanks to his bad parenting yet innate heart of gold that The Simpsons has been the American family for over 30 years (move over, Kardashians). So in honor of Marge and Homer, we’ve rounded up the funniest, most ridiculous Simpsons quotes about parenting and childcare. Because if you can’t laugh at the ridiculousness, what can you do?
1. Lisa: Dad, just for once don’t you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
2. “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.” — Homer
3. “The key to parenting is don’t overthink it. Because overthinking leads to … what were talking about?” — Homer
4. Bart: Dad, I can’t believe you’re risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you’ll understand one day, when you have kids.
5. “Well, it’s 1 am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.” — Homer
6. “Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.” — Homer
7. “D’oh!” — Homer
8. “Marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail.” — Homer
9. Homer: But Lisa, if this works all Daddy’s lies will be true. Don’t you want all of Daddy’s lies to be true?
Lisa: I want a Daddy who lives in the real World!
Homer: To Daddy, the real World gets fainter and fainter every day…
10. “Well, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.” — Homer
11. “Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.” — Homer
12. “Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!” — Homer
13. “There’s no shame in being a pariah.” — Marge
14. “Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.” — Marge
15. Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don’t hit Maggie. She’s just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don’t hit Lisa. She’s a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
16. “Marge, can I go out and play?” — Homer
17. Lisa: History is written by the winners, Dad.
Homer: I thought it was written by losers.
18. Bart: I’m done working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
19. Marge: We don’t have room for another child.
Homer: We’ll let Bart sleep in Lisa’s room until he leaves home.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: It didn’t warp my Uncle Frank.
Marge: What happened to him?
Homer: He joined that Cult. I think he’s Mother Shabooboo now.
20. Bart: Homer, your half-assed underparenting was much easier to put up with than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I’m using my whole ass!
21. “Kids are the best. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all.” — Homer
22. “It’s like I always say, a kid can learn more in an airport than he can in any school.” — Homer
23. “Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!” — Homer
24. “Why you little!” — Homer