Julie Andrews Didn’t Always Feel Worthy

Dame Julie Andrews is grateful. On the day of her interview with Glamour, it seems that everyone in her vicinity wants something from her. An autograph, a picture, and in one case, a hug.

The 84-year-old is more than happy to oblige. She’s been a movie star for almost 60 years, but the shine hasn’t worn off—intrusions and all. “I mean, the things I’ve done, the things I’ve learned, the people I’ve met? I have been blessed,” she says. Her new memoir, Home Work, testifies to that good fortune, chronicling the larger-than-life figures and films that have animated her six-decade career.

Andrews got her start in vaudeville. After making waves in productions like My Fair Lady, she transitioned to film and scored leading roles in Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music back-to-back. The movies were both released to such fanfare that she’s said her sudden success felt like an “assault”—Andrews still thought of herself as that vaudeville girl with the tough childhood. It wasn’t so much that success was hard for Andrews—she has won Oscar, BAFTA, Grammy, Golden Globe, and Emmy awards—but that believing she deserved it proved to be the greater challenge.

In Home Work, Andrews opens up about her career as well as the therapy, emotional labor, and personal growth it took to accept the accolades that came with playing the iconic Eliza Dolittle, Mary Poppins, and Maria von Trapp. Andrews cowrote the memoir with her daughter, Emma Walton Hamilton. Andrews remembers that Hamilton told her, “‘Mum, there’ll be so many people out there who will be so glad that you went through some of these things too.’” And it’s Andrews’s personal hope that “maybe people will gain a little courage” from reading her doubts and insecurities laid bare on the page.

Andrews has supplemented onscreen roles with a spate of voiceover work, most recently in Aquaman and the forthcoming series Bridgerton. With the book out now, she’s about to embark on a nationwide tour. “I think you’re very lucky if you love what you do,” Andrews says. “I think you’re very lucky if you’re capable of love as well, and God knows I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to do both.”

Here, Andrews opens up about finding happiness, her divorce, and that Oscar.

On keeping her Oscar for Mary Poppins in the attic

“It does seem rather ridiculous—and I do proudly display it now—but at the time I was in such a new crowd. I didn’t want to boast. I didn’t want to be like, ‘Come see my Oscar!’ So it was hard. There was a part of me where I felt worthy, if I felt I’d done a good performance. But to come out of vaudeville and wonder where life is going, and suddenly find myself in New York City, in a new, bigger pool. Then after that find myself in an even bigger pool than that, which was Hollywood—it is hard to know that you are worthy.”

On learning the secret to happiness, by going to therapy

“It was one of those aha moments, believe me. When my therapist said, ‘Good God, woman, don’t you want to be happy?’ And I was like, ‘Oh, ah, well, um….’ You know, floundering around thinking, Well yes, but that seems rather a selfish thing to say. I think that’s exactly the way it went. [My mother] had always said to me, ‘Don’t you dare get a swollen heard. Don’t you dare think you’re the best,’ and all of that. And I don’t think I ever would have, but it’s thanks to that drilling on her part that kept hammering it home. Over time, I got over that. The body of work that I’ve done speaks for itself. And you know, eventually I had the right [to be happy with it] and to stand up and say, ‘I’m a member of this wonderful community.’”

On getting divorced

“You know, I think writing the book has made me quite sad at times. It has given me a huge perspective and understanding. These days, it’s made me wonder, Could I have? Would I have? It’s a futile exercise because it’s something that didn’t happen. But I do look back on it and think, Did I make the right choices? I think [ex-husband Tony Walton] probably did too. He’s kindly read the book and is very encouraging of it, and it is what it is. I think we all careen through life trying to understand what we’re doing. Trying to do it right, but there’s so many times you really don’t know.”

On being plagued by indecisiveness

“It’s barmy hard for me, yeah! I’m a true Libra. Well, once I married Blake [Edwards], he occasionally just pushed me over the edge and said, ‘We’re doing this!’ And it was like, ‘Oh, okay!’ Most people want to know the result of what they’re embarking on long before they actually get to that point, but it’s all in the doing. So part of it was just fear that I was making the right choice but also wanting to know ahead of time how maybe it was going to be and whether I’d be able to understand it. Well, if you just put your head down and get on with it, well, of course you will. People always say to me, ‘You’re so disciplined and locked up tight,’ and I say, ‘No. Discipline is the foundation that leaves me free to fly.’ And again, if you do your homework, if you have discipline about things, then you can take off in any direction.”

This interview has been edited and condensed.

You can now buy Julie Andrews’s new memoir, Home Work, anywhere books are sold.

Originally Appeared on Glamour