Jennette McCurdy recalled trying on a bikini at a wardrobe fitting for "iCarly" and feeling embarrassed.
In her memoir, McCurdy said that she hated "so much of my body being exposed."
The actress said she was "terrified of being looked at like a sexual being."
McCurdy wrote about her experience starring as Sam Puckett in Nickelodeon's "iCarly" and its spin-off series "Sam & Cat," both of which were created by TV producer Dan Schneider, in her new memoir released on Tuesday titled "I'm Glad My Mom Died."
In her book, the actor said that her mom Debra McCurdy taught her to become anorexic at 11 years old and encouraged it so that she could "delay adulthood."
By the time she was cast as Sam in the sitcom, which ran for six seasons between 2007 and 2012, McCurdy hit puberty and her body began changing.
"I'm standing behind the curtain in the dressing room of the soundstage that we shoot the show on," McCurdy recalled in her memoir. "My arms are folded across my body. My foot is tapping anxiously. I don't want to come out from behind the curtain."
The actress said that when the wardrobe department asked her to emerge so they could take one photo of her in the bikini, she was self-conscious.
"I step out," she wrote."I feel my cheeks blush with embarrassment. I hate this feeling, the feeling of so much of my body being exposed. It feels sexual to me. I'm ashamed."
McCurdy added: "I fold my arms across my body to try and cover it up more. I hunch my shoulders over like a little cave to protect me. I don't want to look sexual. I want to look like a child."
The actress said that her mom was present and tried to tell her to adjust her posture to "look more comfortable."
McCurdy said that the head of the wardrobe department told her she'd "definitely push for the one-piece," but it was necessary for her to try on a second bikini in order to appease an intimidating man in power that she referred to only as The Creator.
"I hate this," McCurdy wrote in her memoir."I want to be done with this wardrobe fitting. I asked if I could please just try on one-pieces with board shorts, the way that I feel most comfortable in a bathing suit. Being covered up. But our wardrobe designer said that The Creator explicitly asked for bikinis, and so she had to at least have me try on one or two of them so he had the option."
McCurdy said that she voiced her reluctance to try on another swimsuit, but the wardrobe designer told her "he wants options" and gave her a "'you know him' kind of expression that doesn't resonate."
"I don't know him. Not really. I've only met him a few times," McCurdy wrote. "He seems effusive and boisterous to me, but Mom says she's heard rumblings from crew members that he's got a 'hair-trigger temper' and to 'be sure not to get on his bad side.'"
When the actor eventually put on the last bikini, she was miserable.
"I feel sick to my stomach," McCurdy said. "I look at myself in the dressing room mirror."
She continued: "I'm small. I know I'm small. But I worry that my body is fighting the smallness. That it's trying to develop. To grow. I feel like I'm barely hanging on to my childlike body and the innocence that comes with it. I'm terrified of being looked at like a sexual being. It's disgusting. I'm not that. I'm this. I'm a child."
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