I'm Pitching A Love Interest For The "Cruella" Sequel, And These Are The Best Prospects

·10 min read

ICYMI, Disney made a live-action film focused on its original fashion-loving, dog-hating villain, Cruella de Vil.

Walt Disney Pictures / Via gph.is

Emma Stone (whose whole filmography I just ranked) chews up the role with a newly minted British accent and dozens of chic outfits that will leave you wondering, Did Anna Wintour direct this film?

And so Disney has a sequel in the works, which for me raises the question, “Will there be a love interest?” Because these Disney villains seem to have a lot of time for nefarious schemes but not much time for romance, and THAT HAS GOT TO CHANGE.

Animated Cruella de Vil looking at a photo of dogs

Everyone deserves love — even someone who will go on to try to murder 101 Dalmatians so she can make a cool jacket.

Walt Disney Pictures

So I will be playing matchmaker for Cruella de Vil today, pitching Disney Studios on some good-looking, eligible, equally evil romantic partners for Cruella, culled from the pantheon of animated Disney films.

Cruella yells at Rodger
Walt Disney Pictures

Here are 12 options for Miss de Vil’s sequel fling.

1.The Evil Queen (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

The Evil Queen in her crown and cape

Okay, I’m going to deduct some points right off the bat because this absolute terror doesn’t even have a real name. Like, can you imagine going on a date with this woman and having to be like, “Hi, Evil Queen, I’m Cruella”? So that’s a rough start. A second con is that she looks real raggedy passing out those poison apples at the end. (Though, let the record show: The woman is snatched and beat for most of the film.) Look at that high-collared cape! Look at that smoky eye–red lip combo! Look at that crown with what appears to be one tiny, tiny pearl sticking right out of the top. Mirror Mirror needs to get that prescription glass upgraded, because Snow White is clearly not the fairest of this duo.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

2.Captain Hook (Peter Pan)

Captain Hook peers out of a spyglass

Cruella oozes style. So we’ve got to find her an equally stylish mate. Our favorite pirate is definitely winning points on that front. Those quaffed, dark locks and that voluminous plume on the wide-brimmed scarlet hat? That is a look. I also feel that Cruella and Hook would bond over wanting to kill animals and turn them into clothing. Cruella seems like she could really get behind a crocodile-skinned handbag. They both also have showstopping whips, between her roadster and his pirate ship (plank included). And think of all the added benefits to having a metal hook in the relationship! No clammy hand-holding. No need to hunt around for a s'mores roasting stick. And if the pair gets pushed off a cliff by angry Dalmatians, then the captain can easily latch on to the rocks to save them.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

3.Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

Maleficent showing up in a great hall with a massive cape and scepter

For starters, Maleficent is the hottest Disney villain. Point blank and the period. Based solely on looks, I think this would be a bit of a reach for Cruella. Mal’s got those sexy horns and a great jawline, and of course she really knows how to rock a robe. Maleficent also has the whole magic thing going for her. I mean, she could zonk out the twilight barking chain in two seconds and leave Cruella free to tan hides in peace. AND Maleficent knows her way around a spindle, which I believe is some kind of old-timey fashion device, so maybe they could really live their best seamstress lives together.

So Maleficent seems way too cool for Cruella, but I think there are two big negatives here that knock her down a peg. First, she hangs out with a bird. No one wants to date a bird girl. And second, she turns into a giant dragon. I personally feel like that is one of those traits you probably don’t bring up on the first date, and Maleficent is probably a little self-conscious about it, so I think that puts them on even ground.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

4.Edgar (The Aristocats)

Edgar pushing a giant trunk while a cat attacks him from behind

Okay, this is a deep cut. Edgar is not one of these notorious Disney villains who got The Descendants treatment or show up often for a character meet and greet outside Cinderella Castle. BUT I think he might actually be the perfect match for Cruella. First off, they’re both British. They share a common heritage and background, and you can’t overlook that basic level of connection. Second, they are both trying to kill their friend’s pets. It is a very niche hobby, and when you find someone as passionate about your weird pastime as you are, you have to jump at the chance. And finally, if Edgar can kill off the cats, he is in for a MASSIVE windfall. Edgar can be Cruella’s sugar daddy. Sure, he’s a little bald and a little stuffy, but he’s got a motorcycle and BIG midlife crisis/flaunt your money/date a fashion model energy. I think it could work.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

5.Madame Medusa (The Rescuers)

Madame Medusa eyes a giant jewel while Snoops stands behind her

Medusa and Cruella are seemingly polar opposites and yet cut from exactly the same cloth. Medusa is bringing some rustic, down-home energy living in a dilapidated riverboat, riding alligators around, and kidnapping children. Meanwhile, Cruella is a member of the British fashion elite. That being said, both are laboring under some questionable style choices. Both are obsessed with the finer things, though, and will do whatever it takes (clubbing puppies, nearly drowning orphans in a mine shaft) in order to get them. A little bit tacky, a little bit rock 'n' roll...perhaps we’ve got a winner?

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

6.Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

Gaston is puzzled by a book while Belle looks on

I hesitate to even put Gaston on this list, because I feel that in most ways, this is a match straight from Hell (Hall?). Cruella does not seem like Gaston’s type. She’s too old. She’s too classy for his peasant village. She’s on a strict cigarette-only diet, while he’s wolfing down a quantity of eggs sure to land him on Lipitor. And similarly, would she be into him at all? He’s unsophisticated and a womanizer, and he has a 2016 man bun. BUT all that aside, I am seeing some definite physical compatibility here. Is Cruella into chest hair, biceps, and a moonlit romp through the woods, complete with torches and pitchforks? Almost certainly. Does Gaston like a bony woman he can sling over his shoulder? Yes. Plus, Gaston seems like the type to sleep on a pile of furs, and we all know Cruella loves her fur.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

7.Jafar (Aladdin)

Jafar and Iago look up menacingly

Now, if Gaston and Cruella were too different, I think Jafar and Cruella might be too much alike. Look at these two and tell me that Jafar in drag is not basically just Cruella. SPITTING IMAGE, with their angular chins, cinched waists, and love of drapey fabrics. Cruella would totes rock a serpent staff, and Jafar definitely has a cigarette holder somewhere in his weird dungeon. Jafar, however, strikes me as someone who probably doesn’t smell great. He’s wearing 900 layers of clothes in the desert, he spends a lot of his time in caves posing as toothless prisoners, and yet again, we have this bird issue. Does anyone want to date someone who has a pet bird hanging around them CONSTANTLY? I certainly do not.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

8.Shan-Yu (Mulan)

Shan-Yu with an evil grin

And speaking of smelling bad, this guy must REEK. I mean, he’s been wandering around the Mongolian countryside for AGES without a costume change, and idk if you can really bathe with snow. Unfortunately, he is also balding but can’t seem to find time in between pillaging to trim the sides with his zigzag sword. But I think he and Cruella might hit it off. Those brows. That mustache. Those molten orange eyes. There is some devil-may-care energy here that is oddly entrancing, and his teeth are Colgate-approved. Not to mention, Shan Yu DEFINITELY wears fur and wouldn’t mind procuring some for his lady friend. But (you know what I’m going to say before I even say it) he’s got a freaking pet bird. I repeat — and louder, for those in the back: HAVING A BIRD CONSTANTLY ON YOU IS NOT HOT. It’s weird.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

9.Mother Gothel (Tangled)

Mother Gothel caressing Rapunzel's long blonde hair

MAMA G is in the house! And I think she and Cruella would get along well. Of all the Disney villains, Mama G seems to be one of the more low-key. She’s gonna let Cruella do her own thing and will happily take the backseat. Also, both of these women are obsessed with fur (if you count long human hair as fur, and I feel like technically it is). The downside is that Mama G isn’t bringing a lot of razzle-dazzle to the equation, but sometimes romance isn’t about razzle-dazzle, it’s about two people waking up every day and finding a way to live together. Also, there’s plenty of space in Hell Hall to lock up Rapunzel.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

10.Ursula (The Little Mermaid)

Ursula sings in blue light

Yes, Ursula technically lives under the sea. Yes, she is half octopus. Yes, she does live alone with two eels. But what are all of those but minor setbacks in the grand scheme of love? Could a few nautical miles and eight tentacles keep Romeo and Juliet apart? NO. (Although, full disclosure: That wasn’t something they really ever faced.) Ursula and Cruella are both oozing queer energy. Both are rocking signature hair looks, both love to show a bit of shoulder, both are here for a little self-improvement. Sure, Cruella might have to rent a wet suit and do some time in a bends decompression tank, but those are small prices to pay for love.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

11.Zurg (Toy Story 2)

Zurg aims his gun at the camera

I know what you’re gonna say: "Matthew, Zurg is a literal action figure. Cruella is a grown woman. This pairing is creepy and weird and the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard." Well, guess what? In the movie Her, Joaquin Phoenix fell in love with his phone, and his phone wasn’t even alive. Zurg is a living toy that CAN speak and feel emotions. He is Buzz Lightyear’s dad and is on a path toward wellness and recovery post–trying to destroy the universe. He seems like a nice guy with a sense of flair. So what if he’s 9 inches tall! Y'all never heard of a short king before? He doesn’t have any mangy birds flying around, he’s got a gun strapped to his arm, and he’s ready to settle down.

Walt Disney Pictures / Pixar

12.Clayton (Tarzan)

Clayton looks annoyed next to Professor Porter

And now…your winner! There was never a shred of doubt in my mind that the one for Cruella was Clayton (as much as my little gay heart was pulling for a lesbian power couple). The two seem impossibly well suited for each other. To start, look at Clayton’s style. That red neckerchief is so suave. The artfully disheveled safari top. The rifle casually slung over his shoulder. And not to mention those MASSIVE tree trunk forearms he could scoop Cruella up in. Hubba-hubba. Both are sleek. Both are British. Neither owns birds. And CLAYTON IS A POACHER. His job is also killing animals! Did I say these were good people? Absolutely not. They’re the scum of the earth. BUT they are scum that definitely should get married in the Cruella sequel and become a scummy dynamic duo. Disney execs — get on it.

Walt Disney Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

Cruella is now available to view both in theaters and on Disney+ as a Premier Access title. Disney+ subscribers can stream the film for a one-time $30 fee and may enjoy it as many times as they'd like as long as they remain a member. You can sign up for Disney+ here and stream Cruella here.